Monday, November 28, 2011

Fried Indiana

Oh, hey.  Welcome back.  I still think you are a good person.

I went back to Indiana for Thanksgiving.  Dee and Scarlett came, too.  We stayed at my mom's house and we got to see my sister and all her kids and my brother and his pregnant wife.  They all seem to be having their own lives and contributing to society in some vague way.

I like Thanksgiving but it's not my favorite holiday.  I feel much the same way about turkey.  However, I've never had fried turkey and people tell me it's delicious.  Here are the reasons why I've never had fried turkey:

1) I've never, ever been in charge of the turkey for a Thanksgiving meal.
2) I'd be scared to death of burning down the house/severely burning myself.
3) If I've got a fryer going, there are about a thousand different things I'd fry before a turkey.

Jeffsgiving would look something like this:

Various cheeses and crackers.
Several different kinds of dip and chips.
Seared tuna steaks with my special wasabi or dijon mustard sauce.
Some type of mashed potatoes.
Brownies with no icing, no chocolate chips, no nuts.  Just plain, non-cakey brownies.
Those Oreo ball things that Dee and I used to make all the time.
Several different types of Belgian White beers.

I do remember hearing something about Teddy Roosevelt being a sickly child but it's a vague memory and I'm not sure where it comes from.  It would be weird to know that future people might read about my bowel movements.  However, that's preferable to knowing that people might be reading about my masturbation habits.

I could tell you all sorts of poop stories.  It's a popular topic of conversation when you have a baby. Every time you feed them something new their bodies freak out and they either get crazy poops or they stop pooping altogether.  Changing diapers is like playing the poop lottery. 

Also, you should get a Kindle or something like it.  It makes big books much, much lighter.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Oh, hi.  Remember me?  Sometimes I write a blog at you.  Usually I don't.  Now I am.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?  We're having a small gathering at our house.  I think there will be six of us total.  Chris loves hosting Thanksgiving.  I've never been much of a Thanksgiving gal, myself.  I like the concept of course.  I think it's the food, mostly.  Turkey is, you know - fine.  Even the best goddamn turkey ever is just very fine.  Mashed potatoes are pretty good.  I do love stuffing.  I hate pie.  Squash is gross. 

Here is what a Tristansgiving menu would look like:

One million assorted appetizers
Filet Mignon
Some sort of steamed vegetable medley - brocolli, cauliflower, carrots, peapods
Corn on the Cob
Delicious flaky biscuits/rolls
Chocolate cake with chocolate icing

What would be served at Jeffsgiving?

I bummed because I got this awesome book on Teddy Roosevelt out from the library, and it is super-fat, and now I have to return it, but I'm not done.  And I can't renew it, because someone already has it on hold.  Did you know that Teddy was a super runty weakling when he was young, and had really bad asthma?  And that he got diarrhea ALL. THE. TIME.  You've really got to admire the dude's adventurous outdoor spirit when you know that he always had the runs.  I think I'd be a real homebody.

It's also funny to think that I know Teddy Roosevelt pooped all the time.  Wouldn't you hate if in 100 years, someone was sitting on the train/rocket-transit/spacecopter reading about your bowel movements?