Stemwear

Oh man! You guys were the Doughnut Fairies! I want more of those doughnuts RIGHT NOW. They were SO GOOD. Their food truck sits outside my office sometimes and I'm so tempted to get one, but I haven't yet.

Also, your story was not boring but I feel like you kinda glossed over the singing, dragon loving, pizza making, Irish polar bear. That feels like the real story. It also seems like a health code violation.

When I started my last job we also had casual Fridays. A few weeks after I started we had an all-employee meeting. The head of HR got up and gave his little HR update. At the end he said this:

HR Guy: One last thing. I'm sorry to say that there will be no more jeans Fridays.
Employees: *surprisingly loud groan and noises of disapproval*
HR Guy: BECAUSE EVERY DAY IS GOING TO BE JEANS DAY!
Employees: *cheers and a goddamn standing ovation*

I think it's funny that he made everyone in the company extremely happy by simply telling them they could wear different pants. No one cared about anything anyone else said for the rest of that meeting.

I don't shop at Express, so I'm not familiar with their naming conventions for their pants. However, I'd be happy to help them with their sexist naming conventions:

Sexist Men's Pants Names:
Doctor (comes in flat-front and pleated styles, can be worn with dress shoes or Crocs)
Construction Worker (cargo pants, natch)
IT Guy (reinforced in the waist to handle the weight of gadgets)

Sexist Women's Pants Names:
Doctor's Stay at Home Wife (yoga pants)
Get Whistled at by the Construction Worker (yoga pants)
Teacher (comfortable fit that will not distract those unruly boys in the class)

Of course, I'd also be happy to help them bring their pants names up to the times:

Progressive Men's Pants Names: 
Stay at Home Dad (sweatpants, but not the trendy tapered kind)
Nurse (same as Doctor)
Pregnancy (yoga pants, but they make dudes with big bellies look slim)

Progressive Women's Pants Names:
Presidential Candidate (unflattering, neutral color slacks)
Sally No-Ride-Up (comfortable fit, but look great in both 1 g and 0 g environments)
Sci-fi/Fantasy Lead (built for activities ranging from combat to receiving the Gilded Staff of Voram)

You didn't miss anything by missing the Super Bowl. It wasn't a very fun game to watch. You missed the missable.

Playing games with improvisers/comedians ruins you for playing games with civilians. However, I'm pretty lucky. My college buddies are all very funny people (I think they're funnier than me) so playing games with them is fun. They're also very smart, so they quickly find the best tricks and strategies which means you have to be on your toes -- which makes it more fun for me. I lucked out with my neighborhood friends, too. They may not be as funny as my comedian friends (nor should they be) but they have a good sense of humor so it's still plenty fun. However, they don't really like games other than poker (the guys, anyway) so I've never really tested their wit with a game like Fibbage.

Dee and I didn't really do anything for Valentine's Day. We haven't since 2008. We celebrate our wedding anniversary instead. I scheduled massages, lunch and we also did some shopping. Scarlett did bring Valentines to school. They were Star Wars themed because she's totally into Star Wars right now. I'm not aware of any rules for the content of the Valentines. We just have to be sure to not provide anything with nuts or sugar. Cheeze-Its are fine though!

Do you use Snapchat? If so, can you explain to me how it works and what it's used for? I feel very old every time I try to use it and I want to understand why it's all the rage with the kids. However, it's not intuitive AT ALL and I'm a guy who prides himself in being able to figure out this kind of stuff.

Have you watched Jessica Jones? I have seen all but the final three episodes. It's fucking intense. And fantastic. Krysten Ritter is so good. She's been great in everything I've seen her in  (Breaking Bad, The B in Apartment 23, Jessica Jones) and I don't know why she's not in everything. Also, she's incredibly sexy.

Pizza Pants

We went to Oakwood Tap with a bunch of people after our wedding venue closed, and we still had tons of the doughnuts left, so we brought them for snacks.  (We had guessed two doughnuts per guest, but those things were monsters.) Then when Chris and I walked home (as we were about 4 blocks from our apartment,) we stopped in and got a slice of pizza at Chicago's pizza.  Here is a scene from there with a couple that was eating by the counter:

August 17, 2:30 AM-ish
Girl: (Seeing my dress) Are you guys... coming from somewhere?
Tristan:  Yeah!  We got married today!
Girl: Congratulations!  Wow!  (etc.)
Guy: Are you carrying doughnuts?
Chris: Yeah, they're from Doughnut Vault - we had them instead of cake.
Guy:  That. Is. Amazing.

Then we gave them a couple of chocolate ones, and they were so happy.   

This story seemed more exciting when I started writing it.  Oh well.  It's typed now.  Um, also, there was a polar bear... and he... made the pizza.  And sang a song.  About dragons.  In Ireland.

I think I would take a pretty significant pay-cut to not have a dress code for work.  Figuring out which effing SLACKS to wear every morning always makes me pissy.  And I never even deal with anyone in person - there is no reason for me to be dressed up.  Plus, we have casual Friday.  If it's okay on Friday, shouldn't it be okay on other days?  I still get my work done on Fridays, so clearly the anarchy that ensues from me wearing comfortable pants can't be that overwhelming.

Speaking of dress pants, I was going to ask if you'd ever noticed how the pant-style names at Express are sort of gender-discriminatory (men's = Producer, women's = Columnist, etc.) when I came across this ad on their site.  It made me laugh because there is literally exactly 40% missing off of that pair of pants. 

Also, these jeans are insane.  It looks like she just stole regular pants from a husky early 1990's pre-teen.  So... me, I guess.

In other news, Express is having a sale on pants.  You should go find some casual-nice pants for work.


I WOULD LOVE A STANDING DESK!   Sometimes my hips start really bothering me, and I have to sort of invent a standing desk by stacking shoe-boxes.  A desk for standing would be much better.  And probably less of a fire hazard.  I only have two monitors, but it has completely spoiled me for standard computer usage.  It makes doing things on my laptop at home seem practically impossible.

Oh yes, we own Exploding Kittens.  It is excellent - you're right.  We just played King of Tokyo, which is excellent as well. 

How dare you bring up the Yankees?  Shame on you.

The Super Bowl party was great!  Though, I watched almost none of the game or commercials - we all were just clowning around the whole time, and nobody paid any attention to the game, except to check whose squares won money at the end of each quarter.  Then we played Fibbage, which is the funnest game ever.  It's made by the You Don't Know Jack people.  You would love it.  It's like Balderdash, but easier and super-funny.  Well, it's super-funny if you're playing with funny people, but I don't really know anyone socially who isn't funny, so it hasn't been an issue.

Does being a grown-up suburban man-person mean that you hang out with people that aren't hilarious always?  Is it awful?  Or is it great, because then you're always the cut-up of the group?

How was your Valentine's Day?  SO ROMANTIC?  Chris and I aren't really romance people, but we still took a day of rest and just sort of chilled around the house and made pizza (from scratch, obvi) and played games.  The pizza was round, and not heart-shaped, which is proof that we do not love each other as much as other people do.  Did Scarlett have to bring Valentines to school?  Are there a million restrictions regarding what they can contain/how sexually graphic they are?

Bowl Shet

I've heard of this Drynuary (or is it Dryuary?) thing but I've never tried it. Not intentionally, anyway. I'm pretty sure I've gone a month without booze at several points in my life. I just don't drink that much. It's not that I don't like drinking it's just that I never think to do it. Now that I'm a boring dad who lives in the suburbs, I don't go out to bars so my Saturday nights are usually me going, "Hmm. What should I do? Eating this entire bag of chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels seems like a great idea!" So I do that instead. I never think to have a beer with my bag of diabetes.

Also, hangovers are the worst. Especially when you have a 4-year-old who wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning.

Click it or ticket

The picture to the right is of the doughnuts that I strapped into my child's baby seat after your wedding. You know, I do remember your wedding after all. You're husband is a nice man. Your wedding was a nice event. In fact, I liked your wedding so much that it made me want to go back and completely redo my wedding to be more like yours. So, great job, Tanner.

For most people, no dress code makes their lives much easier. Not so for me. Getting dressed in the morning is stressful. When you don't have to wear one specific thing, you can wear ANYTHING. The possibility of anything is paralyzing. For me. I still want to look nice and fashionable but I don't want to dress up so I go back and forth between jeans and hoodies and nicer jeans and sweaters. I still don't feel entirely comfortable wearing my "comfortable" clothes.

We do have Killer Queen in our cafeteria. I haven't played it in a while, though. I've been busy and recently my work buddies have wanted to play Exploding Kittens instead. You should buy this game. I think you would like it. I think you would also like One Night Ultimate Werewolf. No, I know you would like One Night Ultimate Werewolf. This has been Games Corner with Jeff Ford.

I have a cube now but soon I will be getting a different workstation. It's basically a table with wheels and it raises up to become a standing desk. So we'll be more open concept soon. However, I do have three monitors. I love it. I don't know how I ever lived without three monitors for work. It's basically paradise here.

I can never remember how to pronounce "trebuchet" because it's pronounced in such a dumb way. TREB-YOO-SHET? It's that kind of shet that makes life harder than it needs to be.

I had no rooting interest in the Super Bowl. I've never liked the Broncos and I have zero feelings about the Panthers. I guess I'm happy that Manning gets to go out with a Super Bowl win, but it doesn't really mean anything to me. Were you happy that Roger Clemens finally won a World Series with the Yankees? Plus, I've always completely understood why people would hate Peyton Manning. He's deliberately boring and a shill. He's also the wet dream of every old, racist white dude who thinks that showing any kind of joy on the field while PLAYING A GAME is evidence of the downfall of our society.

I'm also the rare Colts fan who doesn't hate Tom Brady. I appreciate that he's arguably the best QB of his era. I feel like Indiana fans should be used to this since we dealt with Jordan wrecking our hopes for the entire '90s.

Did you have a fun Super Bowl party?

Grover-Under

Grover Cleveland took a four-year break from being President. So surely we can have a five-year one from blogging.

I just took a one-month break from booze.  The famous Dryuary.  Or is it Drynuary?  Either way, I thought it would be pretty hard, but it totally wasn't.  Yesterday was my first day back on the scene, and I split a bottle of wine with two other people.  So what's that?  A glass and a half?  Then the waiter brought over free shots of bourbon for us, and I had one.  Today I have a hangover.  Awesome.  Welcome back to drinking, me.

I do still live across from Rahm.  It's gotten a little more annoying, in that people like to protest outside of his (and therefore my) house now.  Few are the evenings that are not punctuated with the chant of "Hey hey!  Ho ho!  Rahm Emanuel's got to go!"  Happily, the protesters usually trickle in around 5pm and leave promptly at 7, so it's not a real inconvenience.  Not as inconvenient as being murdered by a policeman, certainly.

I'm not still dating that beer guy, because we are married now.  I have a feeling you know that, because you were there.  And then seat-belted some doughnuts into your backseat for safekeeping, if I remember correctly...  And I do still see Fritz!  Not much changes in the old neighborhood.

I'm glad you still have a child.  For a long time, I would never ask parents that I ran in to how their kids were doing, because I was worried the kids might have died, and it would be upsetting for everyone.  Happily, I've come to learn that most kids tend to stay alive.

Thank you for the helpful graphs.  I like the sound of this new job.  Tell me, what does Jeff, the fanciest man I know, wear to a workplace that has no dress code?  Also, is this the place that has Killer Queen?  I'm glad that it sounds like you still have cubicles.  Fuck those open workspace concepts where everyone just sits at Elementary School cafeteria tables or whatever and tries to get anything done.

I was going to go ahead and make up a mnemonic device for you to learn how to say "trebuchet," and then decided to confirm.  And I am either completely incorrect, or dictionary.com is an idiot.  I almost feel like it's the latter?  They pronounce it TREB-YOO-SHET. This makes no sense to me.  Didn't dictionary.com take French in high school?  I feel like it should be TRAY-BOO-SHAY.

Will you be rooting for the Broncos this weekend due to your former Peyton allegiance?  I feel like if anyone sacks him, he's just going to collapse into a pile of dust and blow away.  In the showers at the gym today, I overheard a couple ladies talking, and was very confused.

Shower Lady 1: What should I make for this Super Bowl Party I'm going to this weekend?

Shower Lady 2: Spinach dip.  

SL 1: I think I will do that, actually.  Or I could be healthy and get a veggie tray.

SL 2: Please.  It's Super Bowl Sunday.

SL 1: We're doing it on Saturday, actually, so all the families can be there.

SL 2: Oh, yeah - that's a great idea!

Is it?  Is it a GREAT IDEA?  What the Hell are they going to watch?  What makes it a Super Bowl party?  I must have been missing some information, but I was utterly baffled.  

Again We Begin Again

Do people take five year breaks from things? We sure did.

We're back now.

What other things do people take five year breaks from? Eating carbs? Being a band? Cancer?

What's new? Since we haven't talked or corresponded since nearly five years ago, I feel like that's a pretty overwhelming question. I assume that you still live across from the now-embattled Mayor Emanuel. What about Fritz the Outdoor Cat? Do you still encounter him? Are you still dating that beer guy?

I still have a kid. I did not take a five year break from being a dad. I've taken a break from changing diapers, though. You know, because she learned how to poop in the potty. (I call it a potty now, deal with it.) Also, we moved into a house with a yard and I don't have to pick up my dog's poop as much as I used to. This has been my five year poop update.

Amount of poop Jeff has handled over time

I have a new job. In fact, I've had two new jobs since we last wrote. The first new job was at the place I used to work before the place I worked at the time. Now I used to work there again. The second new job is at the place I currently work. A place I'd never worked at before. 

It's one of those cool places you read about and are all, "I'd love to work at a place like that." We build software and have a smart and charismatic CEO, no dress code, free fruit, a healthy disdain for bureaucracy, everyone gets an iPad (which I'm using to write/draw this), and a kegerator a few cubes away from my desk. Also, nearly everyone there is younger than me so I do my best to fill the cool-old-guy role versus the just-plain-old-guy role. It helps that young people are terrible at guessing ages. One co-worker found out it was my birthday and guessed I was 34. I thought she was being nice. She said it was her real guess and being nice is for suckers. Then she called me her "mentor." Did you know that you can feel young and old at the same time?

I'm completely incapable of learning how to pronounce the word "trebuchet." I've looked up the pronunciation, I've heard people say it, and I still never remember how to say it. I watched an episode of Mythbusters where they built one and they were saying it non-stop. As soon as the show was over I forgot how to pronounce it. Thankfully, it doesn't come up much. 

I know you know what a trebuchet is, but I've included a drawing of one in case our readers are unfamiliar. 

Fairy Tale Orgasms

I'm not a huge fan of fried things but that's mostly because I know it's terrible for you.  I do love me some good fried chicken, though.  Stanley's has some great fried chicken.  Of course, I haven't had it in about two years.  I don't really like hot wings.  They're way too messy and there is little to no meat on them which means it's way too much work for very little reward.

I love mayonnaise.  In fact, when I order or make a burger I put three things on it.  Cheese.  Tomato.  Mayo.  That's it.  Another great thing about mayo is that if you put a thin coat on each half of the bun, the grease of the burger won't soak through and make your bun all soggy.  If I'm having a turkey sandwich I'll almost always add mayo, especially if it's mostly white meat.  I get why people don't like mayo, though.

You do bring up a great point about having to request things on your sandwich.  I like Five Guys because they just sell hamburgers or cheeseburgers and they have a list of condiments that you can choose from.  I'm pretty sure I could get a much better sandwich at most restaurants if they all followed the same philosophy.  List all your condiments and your meats and I'll make my own sandwich.  At most restaurants, I feel like I have to make adjustments to get the sandwich I want.  I guess I should eat at a deli more often.

If I ever have Jeffsgiving you will most definitely be invited.  I would also like to be invited to Tristansgiving.

I am vaguely familiar with Sweet Valley High.  I remember some of my high school friends reading them.  Or maybe it was my sister.  I don't know.  Didn't they make a Sweet Valley TV show at some point?  Maybe not.  Also, what the fuck?  That excerpt doesn't even make any sense.  Is Coffee a character in the novel?  Crying after orgasms?  I know these kind of novels aren't really worried about being cliche, but lets make some kind of effort.  Also, there are women who have never had an orgasm.  Appreciate what you've got.  I assume the whole novel is written in third person omniscient, otherwise we wouldn't really know if Russ was pretending not to notice or if he just didn't give a fuck.  I'd like to think that he doesn't give a fuck and our main character misinterprets his actions.  Regardless, it seems weird that we're talking about the Sweet Valley High girls having orgasms -- especially if they are crying after.  Is there anything in the early Sweet Valley High novels that would lead us to believe that the post-orgasm crying is justified?

I struggled with giving up traditional books when I got the Kindle.  I also liked the look/feel/smell and I enjoyed browsing bookstores for new books.  I've adjusted, though.  The only thing I don't like is that there's no good way to let someone borrow a book.  That's really the best part of owning good books.

Dee made me put up the Christmas decorations this weekend.  I hate it.  I have to go down to our storage room and get our tree which takes up nearly the whole fucking storage space.  I then have to drag this heavy ass thing up two flights of twisting stairs with a bad back.  Once it's finally up, it makes our already cozy place feel absolutely tiny.  Then I have to take it all back down once the holidays are over.  Pain in the ass.  Especially for an atheist.  The things I do for my wife's fairy tales.

I like making up ridiculous names to call my daughter.  The more non-sensical the better.  I've recently started calling her "Fight Club."  It drives Dee crazy because she doesn't know why I call her that.  I don't even know why I call her that.  That's what makes it great.

Mayo-NO-sse!

I've never had fried turkey either.  The concept disgusts me, but I think I understand why it would be good.  I'm not generally prone to frying things.  I like hot wings.  Those are generally fried, right?  I like French Fries, obviously, because I am a person.  I imagine there are other things, but frying kind of grosses me out.  I suppose that's lucky. 

A similar high-fat gross-out I have is mayonnaise.  I do not understand why people enjoy it.  Why would you want your sandwich to be wet?  It's like people are saying, "Well, this turkey and cheese would be delicious if it were just a little slimier. Sick.  I do respect mayo's ability to bind tuna/egg salads, when used sparingly.  Otherwise.  Blech.  It is super-annoying to me that I always have to request no mayo on things when I order them.  Shouldn't this be the norm?  And then people can request mayo if they like it?

Please invite me to Jeffsgiving.  It sounds delicious.  Almost as good as Tristansgiving.

Due to my library-induced lack of reading material, Cassie gave me one of my Christmas presents early today; Sweet Valley Confidential.  Presumably you have no idea what this is.  Well, when I was a kid, I read the Sweet Valley High series, which you have probably heard of, detailing the lives of two beautiful identical twins in Southern California.  There are hundreds and hundreds of books in this series, including sequel and prequel series of when they were in college, little kids, etc.  I guess they stopped publishing them in the early 2000's, long after I was reading them.  Anyway, this year, one new book was released, about the twins as grown-ups.  It takes place 10 years after the last book was written.  It is most certainly trash, and a very strange phenomenon, because it is still a young adult book, but is clearly written for people that are my age.  People who are nostalgic for the books/characters from their childhood.  I've started reading it, and am already delightedly horrified.  I am on page 7. Here is my favorite part so far:

"Coffee turned into a three-week miniaffair spread out over two months. She cried after every orgasm.  How embarrassing, but he pretended not to notice.  Russ was not a man to complicate a good thing with feelings."

I guess this pretty standard for trashy novels, but imagine that this is about someone you grew up knowing.  It's really unsettling.

I am guessing that I will one day get a Kindle, but I hard-core love how books look/feel/smell, and I think I would lose a lot of reading joy by holding a rectangle of plastic.  I do understand its merits though.  I really do. 

Sweet Valley Confidential would be good on Kindle, though, because then no one would know I was reading it.