Monday, December 5, 2011

Fairy Tale Orgasms

I'm not a huge fan of fried things but that's mostly because I know it's terrible for you.  I do love me some good fried chicken, though.  Stanley's has some great fried chicken.  Of course, I haven't had it in about two years.  I don't really like hot wings.  They're way too messy and there is little to no meat on them which means it's way too much work for very little reward.

I love mayonnaise.  In fact, when I order or make a burger I put three things on it.  Cheese.  Tomato.  Mayo.  That's it.  Another great thing about mayo is that if you put a thin coat on each half of the bun, the grease of the burger won't soak through and make your bun all soggy.  If I'm having a turkey sandwich I'll almost always add mayo, especially if it's mostly white meat.  I get why people don't like mayo, though.

You do bring up a great point about having to request things on your sandwich.  I like Five Guys because they just sell hamburgers or cheeseburgers and they have a list of condiments that you can choose from.  I'm pretty sure I could get a much better sandwich at most restaurants if they all followed the same philosophy.  List all your condiments and your meats and I'll make my own sandwich.  At most restaurants, I feel like I have to make adjustments to get the sandwich I want.  I guess I should eat at a deli more often.

If I ever have Jeffsgiving you will most definitely be invited.  I would also like to be invited to Tristansgiving.

I am vaguely familiar with Sweet Valley High.  I remember some of my high school friends reading them.  Or maybe it was my sister.  I don't know.  Didn't they make a Sweet Valley TV show at some point?  Maybe not.  Also, what the fuck?  That excerpt doesn't even make any sense.  Is Coffee a character in the novel?  Crying after orgasms?  I know these kind of novels aren't really worried about being cliche, but lets make some kind of effort.  Also, there are women who have never had an orgasm.  Appreciate what you've got.  I assume the whole novel is written in third person omniscient, otherwise we wouldn't really know if Russ was pretending not to notice or if he just didn't give a fuck.  I'd like to think that he doesn't give a fuck and our main character misinterprets his actions.  Regardless, it seems weird that we're talking about the Sweet Valley High girls having orgasms -- especially if they are crying after.  Is there anything in the early Sweet Valley High novels that would lead us to believe that the post-orgasm crying is justified?

I struggled with giving up traditional books when I got the Kindle.  I also liked the look/feel/smell and I enjoyed browsing bookstores for new books.  I've adjusted, though.  The only thing I don't like is that there's no good way to let someone borrow a book.  That's really the best part of owning good books.

Dee made me put up the Christmas decorations this weekend.  I hate it.  I have to go down to our storage room and get our tree which takes up nearly the whole fucking storage space.  I then have to drag this heavy ass thing up two flights of twisting stairs with a bad back.  Once it's finally up, it makes our already cozy place feel absolutely tiny.  Then I have to take it all back down once the holidays are over.  Pain in the ass.  Especially for an atheist.  The things I do for my wife's fairy tales.

I like making up ridiculous names to call my daughter.  The more non-sensical the better.  I've recently started calling her "Fight Club."  It drives Dee crazy because she doesn't know why I call her that.  I don't even know why I call her that.  That's what makes it great.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I've never had fried turkey either.  The concept disgusts me, but I think I understand why it would be good.  I'm not generally prone to frying things.  I like hot wings.  Those are generally fried, right?  I like French Fries, obviously, because I am a person.  I imagine there are other things, but frying kind of grosses me out.  I suppose that's lucky. 

A similar high-fat gross-out I have is mayonnaise.  I do not understand why people enjoy it.  Why would you want your sandwich to be wet?  It's like people are saying, "Well, this turkey and cheese would be delicious if it were just a little slimier. Sick.  I do respect mayo's ability to bind tuna/egg salads, when used sparingly.  Otherwise.  Blech.  It is super-annoying to me that I always have to request no mayo on things when I order them.  Shouldn't this be the norm?  And then people can request mayo if they like it?

Please invite me to Jeffsgiving.  It sounds delicious.  Almost as good as Tristansgiving.

Due to my library-induced lack of reading material, Cassie gave me one of my Christmas presents early today; Sweet Valley Confidential.  Presumably you have no idea what this is.  Well, when I was a kid, I read the Sweet Valley High series, which you have probably heard of, detailing the lives of two beautiful identical twins in Southern California.  There are hundreds and hundreds of books in this series, including sequel and prequel series of when they were in college, little kids, etc.  I guess they stopped publishing them in the early 2000's, long after I was reading them.  Anyway, this year, one new book was released, about the twins as grown-ups.  It takes place 10 years after the last book was written.  It is most certainly trash, and a very strange phenomenon, because it is still a young adult book, but is clearly written for people that are my age.  People who are nostalgic for the books/characters from their childhood.  I've started reading it, and am already delightedly horrified.  I am on page 7. Here is my favorite part so far:

"Coffee turned into a three-week miniaffair spread out over two months. She cried after every orgasm.  How embarrassing, but he pretended not to notice.  Russ was not a man to complicate a good thing with feelings."

I guess this pretty standard for trashy novels, but imagine that this is about someone you grew up knowing.  It's really unsettling.

I am guessing that I will one day get a Kindle, but I hard-core love how books look/feel/smell, and I think I would lose a lot of reading joy by holding a rectangle of plastic.  I do understand its merits though.  I really do. 

Sweet Valley Confidential would be good on Kindle, though, because then no one would know I was reading it.