Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Boobs and Tubes

Notre Dame is doing better.  They are 2-2 now.  Their games are still mildly sad because they refuse to stop making stupid mistakes.  All the Notre Dame fans are freaking out because WE SHOULD BE 4-0!!!!  But we're not.  Deal with it, idiots.  We weren't winning a National Championship this year even if we did start out 4-0.  Sports fans are crazy.

You'll beat Scott, he's got that bad Minnesota Vikings mojo stink on him right now.  I don't know anything about either of your teams, but I'm certain you'll win.

I think stand-up is a lot like improv in that most of it is terrible and very similar but the best stuff is absolutely brilliant.  Okay, I'll stop blowing your mind now.

I have seen very few of the new shows.  In fact, I've only seen one.  Whitney.  I agree, it's awful.  It's so bad that even her comic friends on Twitter are turning on her.  Usually, comedians leave these kinds of things alone because they're all thinking, "That could be me.  In fact, I wish that was me."  Not this one.  It's so bad that I think they have no choice but to rip her apart.  Did you know that she also wrote and created Two Broke Girls?  That looks terrible, too.  I wish I was getting paid to write and star in two terrible television shows.  Instead, I'll blog for free.

I like Zooey Deschanel.  Maybe it's because I think she's cute but also because I like her quirkiness.  Also, when I see promos for that show I think, "They should have cast Tristan in this.  She would be much better than Zooey and she could pull off the quirky without it being too much."

Of course, Dee wants to watch Up All Night.  I like Will Arnett but I feel like I'll only like this show because we're going through the same thing right now.  Or I think that I'll probably hate the show because I'll be all, "That's bullshit.  That's not what really happens."

Did you mean Pan Am or is there another show exactly like it called TWA?  I've never seen Mad Men but I fully intend to catch up on it at some point in my life.  Everyone raves about it and everyone is never wrong -- except when they are Nazis.  However, I love the possibility that this conversation has happened recently:
"What are you doing now, Joe?"
"Oh, I'm playing a Pan Am pilot on the new Pan Am pilot."
*brain explodes*

I've heard The Playboy Club is awful.  I would have expected nothing less.  A show that can't show nudity that is based on a club based on a nudie magazine has absolutely no chance of survival.  If Playboy is in the title and there are no naked boobies, you will fail.

My new show tactic has been to wait to see which ones people say are good and catch up on them mid-way through the season or after the season.  The Internet makes it way easier to catch up later.  That way I don't waste my time on shit that I don't know is shit yet.  Also, I already watch too much TV.

Also, I feel like there are only about two new shows this season based on promos.  Whitney and Pan Am have been jammed in my face since the end of July.  Oh, and Suburgatory which I will reject based simply on its name -- and because they hired an Emma Stone faker as the lead.

I would watch a show that stars you called Solopoly.  Let's make that happen.

I pee my pants for Breaking Bad.  Fantastic.

An almond is a tree nut.  I assume they think they are covering it by adding "other" but it doesn't work that way.  If you have two almonds, you have an almond and another tree nut.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Oh, here I am. 

Is Notre Dame doing better yet?  Or are all their games sad and awful still? 

I am doing wonderfully at Fantasy Football, by the way.  I am 3-0.  Though next week may be challenging, as I'm playing Scott, and he has a pretty good team.  Whatever.  He's 2-1.  I'm the BEST!

I used to love stand-up when I was a kid too.  Now I hate it.  I think it might be because I watched so much of it when I was a kid.  Everything just seems redundant.  Except Louis CK.  That dude is fucking wonderful.

Wow.  Murdering fish with guns sounds fun. 

I don't think I ever killed things for fun when I was a kid.  But if I think you were going to try and peg me with mass murderer traits, it would probably be based on me playing Monopoly alone.  Often.  Well, not alone - with three of my dolls.  Don't worry, though - I was very fair.  I did not make myself win. 

Isn't an almond a tree nut?

There are many new shows this season.  Thanks to Hulu, I have seen several.  Here are my mini-reviews for you.

1) Up All Night.  (AKA Tits McGee and GOB have a baby.)  It's pretty good!  Maya Rudolph is in it too, and she's funny, but it makes no sense why she's in it so much.  Also, the baby's name is Amy.  This makes no sense.  People don't name babies Amy anymore, particularly on television.  All Amys are 30 years old. 

2)  The New Girl.  (AKA Why is Zooey Deschanel in a TV show?)  Zooey is generally very polarizing.  People either love her or hate her.  I have mild disdain, I think.  There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but there's something else about her that rubs me the right way.  She's like a kitten tongue.  It's little and cute, and even kind of feels neat that it's kind of bristly, and it's cool that there aren't really other tongues like it.  But once it licks you for a while, it starts to really hurt, and sure, it's kind of multi-talented, as it is both a tongue and a hairbrush, but really, it's not that good at being a hairbrush.  I mean, it's not like we're all running out and buying hairbrushes (or even cat brushes) made out of kitten tongues.  Anyway, I did not intend to enjoy The New Girl, but I did.  The whole "omigod, she's so QUIRKY" plotline isn't quite as prevalent and unpalatable as it appears in the previews.  I mean, it's there.  But it's pretty fun.  We'll see.    

3) TWA (AKA Mad Men in the Sky) I think I just summed up my whole review in the parentheses.  I like Mad Men.  I liked this.

4) The Playboy Club (AKA Mad Men in Bustiers)  Boring.  Blech.  I didn't finish the episode.  I wasn't even particularly offended.  Just bored. 

5) Whitney (AKA Why Am I Watching This?)  Terrible.  Just terrible.  The studio audience is incredibly jarring, and they laugh at EVERYTHING.  At the end of every sentence.  At things that are not supposed to be funny.  It was embarrassing to watch.  Not embarrassing that I was watching it, (though that too) but I just felt embarrassed for the people in it.  A very uncomfortable show.  I can't imagine this show remaining on the air.  No one will watch it.  Even stupid people.  Or poor people.  Or even the people that are actually in the show.  Or their poor, stupid, parents.

I may have watched more, but I forget. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Nuts and Psychopaths

I always stick it out to the end of the game, too.  Especially at Notre Dame.  I like to watch the team salute the student section and sing the alma mater.  That's as close as I ever get to religion.  Unfortunately, my buddy and his brother were my ride and they wanted to cut out early at the USF game so I had to go.  I didn't feel as bad as I might have had there not been long weather delays.  The strange circumstances made it okay with me.

I totally get why other people like Fantasy Football.  I just don't.  Plus, I hate the Fantasy owners who get all pissed at coaches for not running the ball more or for splitting time with their running backs or whatever.  It's Fantasy Football, dude.  That's the deal.  You're playing a fantasy while these coaches and players only have the responsibility to win.  The uncertainty of whether the coach is going to leave your running back in for goal line situations is what should make it fun, not make you rage at him on Twitter.

It's funny that you say that stand-up suits me.  Or maybe it's more funny that I turned out to be an improviser.  When I was younger all of my friends would watch Saturday Night Live but I would watch a show called Comic Strip Live that aired at the same time.  It was just a bunch of stand-ups doing their thing.  Even though I loved watching stand-up, it never occurred to me that I could do that.  I assumed it was for funny people and I didn't think of myself as a funny person.  The point is, life is weird and I should try more stand-up.

I hate fishing.  It's boring.  I grew up near lakes and we would go fishing all the time.  Even when I caught something it wasn't very exciting.  My brothers loved it, though.  However, there was a summer when the town ordered a "fish kill" on bluegill fish.  They were overpopulating the lakes and wrecking the ecosystem or some shit.  Anyway, if you caught a bluegill you were supposed to throw it on the shore to die (no one ate bluegill).  My buddy Carl and I decided that we would help out.  We got his BB guns, chucked a piece of bread in the water and when the bluegill came up to eat the bread, we shot them.  It's amazing that we didn't turn out to be mass murderers.

I guess my post is all about how I hate "manly" things.  I'd talk about how I hate baseball, but that sport is in no way manly at all.

The ingredients label on my container of almonds reads:
I've never encountered a peanut or other tree nut while eating from one of these containers.  Also, I like the phrase "tree nut."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Women Be Fishing

Oh, man. It's weird how depressing going to a bad game can be.  Even so, I can never leave them early.  I'm totally a wait 'til the last gun is fired kind of gal.

I love Fantasy Football.  It's so fun and exciting!  And it makes me know what's going on in football, which I can't usually be bothered to keep up with, beyond what the Patriots are doing.  And even then, I'm a little shaky sometimes.  I won this week, which was gratifying, because I was matched against Chris, who had been convinced that he would win not only our match-up, but the whole season.  Not under my watch, sir.  Fantasy Football also gives me something to chit-chat about with my physical therapist while he massages my butt. 

You should do stand-up more.  It suits you.

I'm almost kind of glad my stand-up wasn't great, since the concept of the rehearsal was to put us all in the same boat and make the "leaders" as uncomfortable as the other folk.  That being said, I would have preferred to have been awesome.  It did make me realize, though, that if you just make yourself write some material, it's not really that hard.  I'm sure I'd be fine if I practiced a little.

Camping was really great.  And Winston the dog was an excellent camping companion.  We went fishing, which was fun, except for the not catching anything part.  This was all the more frustrating, because we could see these huge rainbow trout, just sitting there in the bottom of the river, chilling out.  I think I actually hit one in the head with my bait at one point.  Those bitches just weren't hungry. 

I don't like coffee either.  Blech.  Though I did drink some while camping.  This is because when you are camping you become strapping and outdoorsy.   Normally if I really need caffeine, I'll be a pretentious coffee orderer and get a "triple grande skinny hazelnut latte."  Then I put three Equal packets in it.  This is no longer coffee.  This is caffeinated liquid candy.  Camping, though, I can drink that shit almost black.  (I put a little milk in.) I think not washing your hands/self while simulatneously touching grosser and dirtier things than usual is inversely related to how much sugar one needs in one's coffee. 
I feel like this whole post is about how I like "manly" things.  Camping, Fishing, Sports, Stand-up Comedy. Maybe I should talk about something girly. 

When I sat back to think about it, I got hungry and reached into my desk for some beef jerky.  This is not working. 

If it helps, the name of my fantasy team is the Tutu Kittens, and the galoshes I wore fishing are pink. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nerf Religion

Good time for a reset.

I did go to Notre Dame for the USF game on the 3rd.  It was poopy, poopy, asscrapular.  Notre Dame played some really sloppy football and lost.  Also, two major lightning storms swept through the area and we had to evacuate the stadium twice.  During the first break my buddy and I headed over to the new Jordan Science building to check out the labs and such -- he was a chemistry major at ND.  As we entered the building I said, "Check your religion at the door," which got a good chuckle out of him.  Despite all the witty quips and good chuckles, it ended up being a six hour affair and I was wiped out by the end of the day.  I have tickets for this weekend's game, too.  I hope the weather and the play on the field is much better than the play of the last two weeks.  Man, shit's been brutal in Notre Dame land recently.

Anyway, my point is that religion is dumb.  Much like Fantasy Football.

I'm so glad I decided to drop out of the league.  Now that the NFL season has started, I'm remembering what a pain it was to worry about players other than Peyton Manning.  The whole time I played last season, I kept thinking, "Why do I suddenly give a damn about Michael Crabtree?"  He's dumb and his face is dumb and I just want to watch the games.

Stand-up is fucking insane.  As you know, I've done it one time.  I only had to do five minutes of material, which is absolutely nothing.  However, I didn't really realize that you don't have to wrap up at exactly five and you can push it a little.  They're not going to run up and take your mic away.  Still, I was scared to death.  It was the first time I puked before a performance in a very long time.  I think I did pretty well.  Jamie Jirak was there running lights and she said I did very well.  I told a bunch of jokes about being adopted.  I put on my Jerry Seinfeld voice and was all, "What's the deal with being adopted?  It sure does make you feel like discarded trash."  I brought the house down with that one.

Everyone was very funny.  I was surprised at how nervous you seemed.  I figured you'd be all super calm and collected and just be all, "Boop, boop, bop," and we'd all lose our shit.  You make improv look so easy, I figured you'd make that look easy, too.  My plan was to just tell a story where I got to say "twat" a lot.

Dee and I could never take our dog camping.  First, she's allergic to everything.  Second, she barks at any noise that she thinks might possibly threaten her.  Third, she's scared of most everything that is outside.  Fourth, don't ever get a dog.

Coffee is gross and people who are pretentious about coffee are gross.  That lady sounds awful.  I want to smack her in the face with a comically oversized Nerf spoon.  More things should be made of Nerf.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


My goodness!  I'm a week behind!  Sorry!

In light of that, I'm going to do a mild reset.  I think most of your replies were wrap-ups to convos anyway. 

How was your Labor Day?  Did you go to Notre Dame?  Or did I make that up?  We had our Fantasy Football draft.  There were 10 of us, and I got to pick last.  My best guy is LeSean McCoy, who I had never heard of before, and I keep forgetting his name.  But I guess he's pretty good.  We'll see.  I've got Drew Brees, so I get to be excited about football tonight.  Yay!  My first game is against Chris, as it turns out.  I will destroy him.

Doing stand-up at rehearsal was mega nerve-wracking for me.  Stand-up is one of my biggest fears.  I don't know why.  I think it's just that you HAVE to be funny, or it sucks.  Also, there is an expectation that I will be good at it, because I'm funny.  But it doesn't necessarily translate...

I was really impressed with how well everyone did, though.  Especially since many seemed pretty nervous.

I'm going camping this weekend in Michigan with Chris and a couple friends.  And their dog, Winston.  I'm excited.  I got a new sleeping bag pad a while ago, and haven't gotten to use it yet.  That's the thing about camping.  I think it's really fun, but my back always feels like shit the whole time. 

There's a lady at my work that has one of those Keurig coffee makers with K-cups in a little display tree in her office.  Fuck you, lady.  Get over yourself. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Beautiful Excuses

Nuts are addicting.  It's hard to stop eating them once you start.  They're so small and seem so harmless, but they'll bust your gut every time.  I have to count them out and then lock the drawer to keep from eating the whole container of nuts.

I'll have to mark my calendar for next year's Brewers' Fest.  It doesn't surprise me that the fest is mostly dudes.  Dudes love beer.  Chicks don't love beer as much.  I will teach my daughter to love beer but not until she's reached the arbitrary drinking age chosen buy our government.

Also, you are beautiful.  You don't need fratty dudes and chubby couples to realize that.  Though, fratty dudes and chubby couples will make it seem more acute.  You know, like a disease.

I think the tendency for improv to frequently suck is more due to the low barriers to entry than it is to the nature of improv.  Sure, a group of great improvisers will do a crappy show once every ten or fifteen shows but I think most shows suck because the improvisers suck or because the improvisers suck at working together.  When I was on Space Robbers at the Playground, we sucked at the very beginning but we quickly got much better once the worst of us quit.  Once the team was whittled down we almost never had a crappy show.  Some were better than others, but rarely did we have a show that was flat out bad.  I think it was partially because we really figured out how to work with each other and partially because the people on that team were awesome.  We had Nick Johne, Chris Alvarado, Sean Kelley, Kieran Sullivan, Ross Bryant, Barry Hite, and Jim Fath.  All of those people are either teaching, touring or doing well for themselves in other ways in the entertainment industry.  I can mention any of those names in a group of improvisers and people will be all, "You know that guy?"  Anyway, the point is that improvisers use the "sometimes improv just sucks" excuse way too often.

I hate pHlip Cup mostly because we are working towards that finite end and that finite end is a fucking game of Flip Cup.  It probably doesn't help that the two teams I'm on are a team of frat boys (how did this gray-haired dude end up on that team?) and a team of former contestants from a Bachelor-type show so there's not a whole lot of range there.  Every time I've done the show it's felt forced and awkward.  Plus, it's hard for me to get over the fact that we're admitting that our comedy is not why people are coming to see the show by promising a round of Flip Cup at the end of the show.

I love that Bernie just got a big stack of cash.  That's fantastic.  I also love that he's named Bernie.  Guys that work at companies for 30+ years who everyone love are always named Bernie or Ernie or Wilbur or something slightly hilarious like that.

I'm almost never funny at work.  In fact, people are shocked when they find out I'm a comedian.  (Even though I've been doing this for over 10 years, I still have a hard time calling myself a comedian.)  The only people that have seen me be funny are the guy I share an office with and my boss.  Actually, that's not entirely true.  When I first started working there, the CIO made (she literally backed me into a corner and implied that not performing might effect my job) me get up and do solo improv in front of the whole department.  I was actually pretty funny.  That is the one and only time I've done solo improv.  Anyway, I'm not the funny guy at work.  It's probably good that I don't try to be because my sense of humor is probably a little too dark for the workplace.  Plus, I always hate the dude that tries to be funny at work.