Friday, July 29, 2011

Milk Nose

When I was little, I always used to think of more innocent explanations for things that I didn't understand.  Not so with nursing bras.  I always remember seeing them in fliers for Sears or JC Penney in the newspaper and thinking they were pretty kinky.  Though I didn't know the word kinky.  Actually, I did, but only as it applied to my hair after it had been crimped.  It was the 80's, after all.

Speaking of pregnant boobers, my ex-co-worker uses Facebook to get baby advice from fellow mothers.  While I don't have a problem with the concept, many of the questions and answers really gross me out.  Yesterday, she asked how to get rid of her kid's stuffy nose, since the baby hates that snot-sucker bulb thing.  One person said to squirt breast milk up there.  Straight from the breast.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.  I may have to block her status updates.  Heather, if you're reading this, yeah.  It's you. 

You are awful.  Glee is glorious, and I love it. 

I can go both ways on roller coasters.  I like zoomy barfathons, but I also like riding around in little boats and watching dolls sing.  Speaking of which, I thought Chris' head might explode with the trippy insanity that is the "It's a Small World" ride.

Salads should also be cold, I think.  Otherwise they'd be stew.

I guess we can't paint after all.  The building requires a month's rent deposit in order to do so.  I am very disappointed.  I kept looking at our little paint sample strips and smiling to myself with knowing satisfaction like I imagine pregnant ladies do when they pet their bellies.  Now I will hate our walls for as long as we live there, even though I never would have thought about painting if Chris hadn't suggested it and made us go to Home Depot the other day. 

You're not really colorblind, are you?  I am fascinated with color blindness. 

Do you and Dee call each other "Mom" and "Dad" yet?  Do you think you will when Scarlett gets older and you refer to each other?  It's kind of weird, no?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Chinese Burgers

I'm just concerned about your welfare.  Bras can carry bacteria.  Also, boobies.  Bras carry boobies.

Due to the baby, Dee wears maternity bras that allow her to easily pop out one boob or the other for easy feeding.  When I first discovered this I thought, "Clever.  That's very convenient," because I was 35 years old when I first saw this in action.  However, 16 year old me would have had his mind blown if his girlfriend wore one of those bras so that I didn't have to struggle with the weird clasp in the back.  Now that I'm old, easy access to boobs isn't quite as big a deal.  Plus, boobs don't hold the same appeal once you realize they are the major component in keeping your daughter alive.

I hope this will be the last I write about bras.  I will not make the same promise about boobs.

The only thing that would have made your Ryan Murphy experience better was if Howie had run him over and erased him and anything he's ever created from the Earth.  I've watched a few episodes of Glee and it is awful.  They just take popular songs that have already been watered down to appeal to as many people as possible and water them down even more and then add crappy dance routines.  It would be like Panda Express suddenly serving hamburgers.  The show is not creative or clever.

I also would have said, "Who the hell is Ryan Murphy?"

A hummingbird named Stillman.  Delightful.

I'm skeptical of roller coasters that rely too much on "the experience."  Roller coasters are super fucking awesome and they don't need to be dressed up.  Drop me from ridiculous heights and get me going real fast and I'm good.  Sit me in a box that bounces around in one spot while Harry Potter beckons me to join his Quidditch match and I'll find the nearest park employee and ask her if she thinks I'm stupid.  Then I'll head for the nearest unfettered roller coaster and ride it a thousand times.

I guess that my definition of a salad is a bunch of stuff mixed in a bowl.  Upon further review, those things need to be chopped up.  There also needs to be some kind of binding material.

Yeah, I was a dick to the honey lady.  It felt good.  I was unreasonably angry about the honey bottle.

Dee and I got to choose countertops and cabinets and flooring for our condo when we moved in.  We also had the option to have them paint the place in our chosen colors but we passed since we weren't sure what colors we wanted.  We have been there since 2006 and we still haven't painted.  We probably never will.  Good thing we're both colorblind.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night convinced that something terrible has happened to Scarlett.  When I check her crib, she's always sleeping adorably.  I can't wait until she's old enough that something terrible happening to her will just build her character.

California Gleemin'

I actually did wash my sports bra.  Though I have since sullied it with a Turbo Kick workout yesterday afternoon.  You are indeed a little fanatic about my bra.  In fact, I'd say you're kind of a Brazi.

Howie and Tracy are well.  They have a very nice apartment, and seem to know everything about LA.  Tracy drove us all over the place, and was, as you'd imagine, the kindest, smartest, and chipperest tour guide a person could ask for.  Howie, as you know, is a writer's assistant on Community, so he drove us all around the Paramount lot on a golf cart, which is pretty much one of my life-dreams.   We saw the gal that plays Brita on the show, and LL Cool J, who was getting in his trailer on the NCIS lot.  My favorite interaction was with Ryan Murphy, who is the creator of Glee.  A couple days earlier, Howie had been walking with a precarious stack of pizzas and Ryan Murphy said, "Oh, Honey, do you need help?"  So, when we were there, the following scene happened: 

Setting:  Paramount Movie Lot.  HOWIE and TRACY are sitting in the front of the golf cart, TRISTAN and CHRIS are on the back, facing the opposite direction.

HOWIE:  (yelling back to T and C) So, here's where I saw Ryan Murphy the other day.
RYAN MURPHY comes around a corner and stops when he hears his name.
TRISTAN: Yes.  I see him. 
HOWIE: (still driving away from him) No, no, the other day.  When I saw him with the pizzas.
RYAN MURPHY stares at TRISTAN in confusion.
TRISTAN: He is also here now. 
HOWIE: Wait, what?  Where?
TRACY:  Is that really him?
TRISTAN: He is looking at me.  He is wearing a pink shirt.  I see him. 
RYAN MURPHY continues to stare (from further away now) at TRISTAN.
HOWIE turns a corner and RYAN MURPHY disappears.
CHRIS: Who the Hell is Ryan Murphy?


I don't know much at all about this beauty pageant thing, except that it is kaput.  What was it?  She was doing a documentary about entering a pageant?  Either way, I guess the people decided that she's not allowed to film anymore.  She's good, though.  Still crazy, wonderful Laurianne.  Also, her new apartment has a big pool, and a weird babbling brook that starts at the entryway, and goes all the way through the courtyard.  Also, a hummingbird named Stillman that sleeps on a tree next to her porch. 

After LA, my Aunts and Mom came to pick us up and take us to Orange County for wedding stuff.  On Friday, Chris and I went to Disneyland.  He's never been there, so it was quite an experience for him.  My assessment is that he did not LOVE it, but he really liked most of it, and appreciated that each of the rides are an experience, rather than just another attempt to make you throw up or lose your personal items. 

Pink is in the all reds mix of Starbursts.  Pink is the BEST!  Totally my favorite. 

What is your definition of salad?  Are pasta, egg, and potato salads salad?  Does salad need to include leafy greens?  I always just think of it of anything that's chopped up and mixed in a bowl.  When I was on my term abroad in Bath, England, there was this great sandwich shop, and they'd ask you what you wanted and then say, "Salad?"  This meant, "Would you like lettuce and tomato on your sandwich?"  Brits are so weird.

Who edited this bug book?  It sounds insane!  How are babies supposed to learn anything if you label things the same, but talk about different aspects of it?  Yeah - good thing babies are too dumb to learn stuff like that.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....  Must...stay awake...through...boring...bottom teeth story...

Did you seriously say that to the honey lady about dispensing it through the spout?  You're such a dick!  I love it!

Chris and I move into the new place this weekend.  I can't wait!  We even picked out paint colors.  I've never painted an apartment before, and I will tell you; it makes me feel VERY grown up.  I can't imagine what would happen if I had to choose cabinet doors or countertops or something.  I'd probably start mixing my own martinis and smoking cigarettes through a long holder. 

I think it should be noted that in my July 13th post, I mentioned that I had been without any technology since Chris unhooked the TV and stuff before leaving for NYC.  Turns out, that on the day after he came back, he got bored and unpacked it and plugged it all in again.  So...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Good, Happy People

Well, crap and darn.  You have a completely reasonable explanation for your failure to post.  Unfortunately, it probably means that you didn't have time to wash your bra.  I'm unnaturally worried about your bra.

You got to stay with Howie and Tracy!  That's awesome.  How are they doing?  The only information I get about them is from Twitter, so I know that Howie is hosting a show at Second City and that Tracy recently had a bra mishap.  It seems like they are doing well.  They are good people and I want them to be happy.

Then there's Laurianne.  Is she still doing that beauty pageant project?  When I last talked to her, she was in the midst of that project.  I'm sure she looks like some kind of Greek goddess now.  How the hell is she doing?  She's a good person and I also want her to be happy.

Did anything else cool happen to you in California?

I've never seen the Starburst all reds mix.  Did they include the pink in that mix?  I feel like no one talks about the pink.  It's nobody's favorite but it's nobody's least favorite, either.  It's the pink-headed stepchild of the Starburst family.

It's stupid that we call them "fruit salads."  It's just a bunch of fruit in a freaking bowl.  We should call it "fruit."  Sure, thanks for chopping it up for me and removing the rinds but it isn't a salad.  If fruit in a bowl is a salad then Chex Mix and Gardetto's are salads.  Also, the Midwest is not the best place to find a fruit salad.

This "book" that Dee was reading wasn't a book in the classic sense.  There is no narrative.  It's simply pictures of various bugs with boldly colored designs.  For example, there is a moth/butterfly with checkered wings and a snail with a black and white swirl on its shell.  The only word on each page is either the name of the bug, the pattern on the bug or the sound the bug makes.  For example, the snail page reads, "SNAIL," the bee page reads, "BUZZ" and the moth/butterfly page reads, "CHECK."  It's really quite confusing and inconsistent.  Good thing Scarlett is not old enough to retain any of this drivel yet.

I've always been curious about laser whitening.  I'm afraid that I'll be the guy whose teeth are so white they look blue.  My dentist has recommended that I use this paste to cover the lower half of my front teeth in order to give them a uniform color.  Basically, the bottom of my front teeth are exposed to the air when I sleep at night and this causes them to be a different color than the top of my teeth which are covered by my lip.  The paste would serve to cover that bottom part and...  well, you get it.  I'm boring myself with this right now.  Sorry for putting you through that.

I discovered the culprit in the case of the sticky honey bear.  One of the ladies makes a tiny cup of tea every morning but she unscrews the lid to the honey bear and pours a shit ton -- seriously a SHIT TON -- of honey into the tiny cup of tea.  If I was lame, I'd make the "you want some tea with your honey" joke.  Instead, I said, "I don't appreciate grabbing a honey bottle coated in honey every day.  Do you think you could dispense it through the spout like the rest of us?"  She looked at me like I was an asshole but then wiped the bottle off.  I win.  I think.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Whiter Teeth, Browner Skin.

Sorry about the tardy post.  I've been in California for the last week for my cousin's wedding, and some general friend and family visiting.  I never logged on to a computer the whole time.  Wait - that's a lie - I spent a few minutes on the computer while talking my mom through how to pick me up at Tracy's house.  That's right!  Chris and I stayed with Tracy and Howie for the first couple nights! And one night, we hung out with Laurianne Garbage Can, so that was super-awesome too. 

It was a great trip, though super-exhausting.  Moreso, I'm sure, for Chris, who met most of my family on my mom's side all at once, as well as our beloved pH alumni.  Thank goodness it was warm and lovely there instead of the muggy suck-hot it was when we left Chicago.  I still got a little bit of a sunburn though.

I don't know if I've ever had Gardetto's.  I probably have.  I don't know.  I've never been much of a snack mix kind of girl.  I like to have all of one thing, generally.  So maybe I should just head straight for the rye chips.  I should have mentioned that Starburst has indeed created an "all reds" mix.  Though, to do that, they added two more flavors of reds, which aren't quite as good as the original ones.  But, still much better than orange and yellow. 

Yeah, I am okay with the concept of the Edible Arrangements, I suppose.  The price is just insane, though.  Also, I have a particular hatred for all melons.  This makes fruit salad a challenge, generally, as they usually consist of approximately 50% cantaloupe, 40% honeydo, the rest of the 10% is a couple purple grapes, a slice of strawberry, and a little trapezoid or two of pineapple.  Though, in LA, I had a fruit salad that had mangoes and blackberries and all sorts of lovely business that you just don't see in the Midwest.

What was this "book" about?  I mean, obviously it wasn't about anything if "worm" took up a whole page, but do you know what was going on in the book?  Was it just listing slimy animals?  Things you find in dirt?  I am very intrigued.  They need to hire Dee to flesh some of these stories out.

I got my teeth laser-whitened today.  I can't tell how well it worked.  It looks about the same to me, but the dentist lady compared my before and after colors to one of those finger-harps of teeth they have, and apparently I made quite a bit of progress.  I guess that's good though.  I wouldn't want people to see me and go, "Whoa!  Did you get your teeth whitened?"  Instead, I will tell them on the internet.  Take THAT!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

American Rye

I agree with your assortment assessment.  There is always one thing that gets eaten last out of every assortment.  Maybe they leave those in the assortment for the same reason that you have to have a few bad days to really enjoy the good ones.  However, wasn't it awesome when Gardetto's came out with the bag of only rye chips?  I can't believe I hadn't seen a situation like this before in my lifetime.  The rye chips are the best part by far and the first time I had a bag of Gardetto's, I thought, "They need to make a bag of only rye chips, but they never will because companies never do awesome things."  Then they actually did that awesome thing.  Any time I see a bag of Gardetto's rye chips I buy them simply to encourage that kind of snack streamlining behavior.  Also because they are delicious.

I'm assuming that you like Gardetto's.  If not, I think you can still appreciate the principle.

I do not like the yellow Starbursts and I can tolerate the orange ones.  However, I don't really like dark chocolate so the plain old Hershey bars go before those when I'm in charge.  I'm weird like that.

I agree that there should be more healthy food options for all people.  I just don't think we should rely on fast food joints to provide those options.  They're too busy worrying about their stock price.  They don't have time to worry about whether their food is killing people.

I live in a bit of a food desert as well.  We have to drive to get to a grocery store.  Everything around us is convenience stores and fast food.  It's depressing.  Our street is littered with chips bags, discarded fried chicken bones and McDonald's bags.

When I first saw Edible Arrangements, I thought they were a good idea.  That's because I think flowers are stupid.  "I love you.  Here's something beautiful.  Now watch them die."  At least you could eat the fruit.  Then I saw how much those things cost.  Way overpriced.  Dee and I have received one before.  We ate it gleefully.  I suppose I should be more angry about overpriced fruit when kids are eating Doritos for lunch.

The other day, Dee was reading Scarlett a book.  At least that's what I thought she was doing.  It was one of those vinyl ones that babies can't destroy if they put it in their mouth.  Anyway, Scarlett is on Dee's lap and Dee is saying, "Worm.  Squirmy worm.  The squirmy worm squirms because it's a worm that squirms.  Squirm, squirmy worm.  Squirm, squirm, squirm.  Worm."  I thought, "Wow, baby books are ridiculous."  When I sat down beside Dee to see for myself, I saw that the page simply contained a picture of a large worm and the word "worm."  This is one reason why I love Dee.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I am the Milkmaid

Maybe you should invest the $3 to get your own honeybear.  Then you won't have to honeyshare.  I used to get mad that everyone always drank the good flavors of tea out of the assortment.  Then I bought a box of 100 bags of Earl Gray.  Now I am always teahappy.  This is a little different, of course, because I do not begrudge people choosing the good tea - I would do the same.  Your honeymates are just sloppy.

Speaking of picking the good tea, aren't assortments weird?  I mean, they sort of make sense, but there's always one part that no one likes.  Take that one out, company!  Or do they leave the poopoo ones in because then they are forcing you to buy the gross kind that no one wants to buy alone?  Examples:  Yellow and Orange Starbursts are disgusting.  Pink and Red ones are delicious.  This is FACT.  Exaggerated fact, perhaps, but still fundamentally true.  STOP MAKING THE YELLOW ONES!  BLECH!  But they can probably keep making the yellow ones because people end up buying more bags of Starbursts to get the amount of red and pink succulence that they require.  Assortment example #2 would be the Hershey's minis.  No one ever wants the straight-up Hershey Bars.  Mr. Goodbar always goes first.  Then the Krackel, then the Special Dark.  The plain ones are useless.  Unless you find a teeny graham cracker and some mini marshmallows.

I have a feeling that your response to this will be, "Really?  Yellow Starbursts and Hershey Bars are my favorites!"  Because you are weird sometimes.

Well, I like to think that people should be better at making their own health choices too, but they are not.  I don't believe in regulating what people can eat, but I do believe there should be transparency in what is in those things.  Also, in our little town of Chicago, hundreds of thousands of people live in what qualifies as a food desert.  Meaning, fresh food is very hard to come by.  The school where Chris teaches is in a food desert, and those kids live on chips.  Like, literally, they pack a lunch, and it's a big bag of chips.  There are only convenience stores and fast food places that are walkable, and a lot of those families don't have cars.  So, I think it's nice when shitty places have less shitty options.  I think Rahm is working on making it easier to get grocery stores in depressed areas, though, so that's good.  Of course, you still have to educate people on health.  Obviously, even convenience stores must have better options than sending your kid to school with a bag of Doritos for lunch.

I've hadn't heard the Cosby bit about breakfast cake.  The man makes good sense.  Sometimes.

FINE.  I'll wash my bra.  God.

I walked by a new Edible Arrangements store today.  How are these things still around?  They're so dumb!  Are you familiar?  They make bouquets that look like flowers, but are fruit.  Then they charge you like 80 bucks for $4 worth of cantaloupe on toothpicks.  If anyone ever gave me one, I would slap them across the face with a skewered pineapple slice shaped like a daisy.

We used to have a ton of empty offices, but then they decided to lease out part of our space, so everyone got smooshed together.  This wouldn't be annoying, except there is a very small conference room across from my cube, so anyone visiting from another office or a home office or anything, goes in there.  And they leave the door open, and jabber on their phones, and ask me questions and use my trash can and look at me when I am putting on deodorant at my desk.  Normally the latter privilege is reserved for the people in the building across the street.

Breakfast Cake

My oatmeal is plain.  The only thing I add to it is honey which is why I'm so frustrated that the honey bottle is always sticky.  The honey bottle is shaped like a bear.  Today the bottle is so covered in honey that it feels like someone was trying to store honey on the outside of the bottle.  Anyway, plain oatmeal and honey.  That's my breakfast every morning.  I used to eat the flavored packets but I felt like there was too much artificial crap in them so I changed to enormous silos of Quaker Oats on which the label reads, "Ingredient." Singular.

Also, McDonald's oatmeal is a sham.  It's packed with so much shit to make it taste good that it's not good for you at all.  When fast food places offer "healthy" options they are usually not very healthy at all.  Fast food places should stick to fast food.  Human beings should use their brains and willpower and make some choices that won't turn them into fat, heart diseased slobs.

It is very strange that doughnuts are considered a breakfast food.  They are clearly dessert.  However, I've never stopped myself from eating a doughnut simply because it wasn't breakfast time.  I'll have a doughnut whenever I damn well please.  I'm an adult and this is America.  Still, I can't remember the last time I had a doughnut.

I feel like many breakfast foods would be better classified as desserts.  Pancakes, waffles, danish, coffee cake.  They are all stepchildren of desserts.  Do you remember the Bill Cosby bit about him feeding his kids chocolate cake for breakfast because it has all of the same ingredients as other breakfast foods?  It's funny and it speaks to the ridiculousness of our breakfast habits.  Also, remember when Bill Cosby was funny?

I don't think you need to wash your towel after every use.  I certainly don't do that with my towels at home.  However, you should definitely wash your sports bra after every use.  Anything you sweat in should be washed before using it again.  That's why Humpty Dumpty/The Milkman smells bad.  He doesn't wash his clothes.  The sweat dries and gets locked in and then the new sweat unlocks it and lets out a horrible odor that makes everyone want to puke.  It may be worse because he just stuffs them in his bag instead of hanging them, but still.  Wash your bra.  Do you kiss your mom with those boobs?

I've only had to move a couple times at my current company.  They do the orange crate thing, too.  I would very much like to move once more, though.  As I mentioned before, I currently share an office but there are two offices that have been sitting empty for some time.  I would very much like to move to one of those but I don't think it's going to happen.  They'd rather have empty offices than let me have one of my own.  They like me, but they don't like me, like me.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Honey Bear

If your oatmeal is silo-stored, does that mean it's plain?  Blech.  Do you put anything in it?  I have lots of oatmeal as well, but it comes in packet form.  Maple Brown Sugar.  Yes.  I love when there are meetings in the office, and they cater a healthy breakfast and there's oatmeal with all sorts of yummy nuts and dried fruit and brown sugar to put on it that probably make it the same amount of calories as if they'd just had bagels and cream cheese.

I was wondering yesterday why doughnuts are a breakfast food.  They are fried cake.  How is this a socially accepted meal-replacement?  Even for people that aren't health-conscious.  Now, I warn you.  I do often go on little rants about fast food restaurants having a social responsibility to provide healthy options, and very visible nutrition data for the stuff that isn't, but this isn't one of those tirades.  This is just good old-fashioned confusion.  People woudn't say you should have a cupcake for breakfast.  Why does frying it and having a hole in the middle make sense?   Not that I've never had a cupcake for breakfast.  But I've considered it a deviant act.  If there were a list of Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner/Dessert foods, cupcake would be dessert and doughnut, breakfast.  WHYYYYY?

I've only had to move desks once, which was when we were moving to a different floor.  So we all go a bunch of those little orange tubs that stack.  This is a great way to move.  Throw shit in as many boxes as you like, put 'em in a pile, and someone else moves everything over the weekend.

There is a chair that sits across from my desk, which is supposedly for guests.  This does not work for two reasons:
1) My gym towel lives on it. 
2) I have two monitors.  The second one would completely eclipse anyone in the chair.

So, yeah.  I just hang up my gym towel between uses.  Is that gross?  Do you wash your towels every time you use them?  I sure don't.  I also have one of those cubicle clips that have the downward-facing pins attached behind my cubicle, from which I hang my sports bra between uses.  I probably should wash this every time, but come on.  I only wear it when I'm sweating, and then I take a shower.  And those things are
expensive.  I can't stock up dozens of them like I do with my socks. 

The snuggie was a gift, but I love it.  My building becomes INCREDIBLY COLD in the summer.  So, not only is the office colder, but my clothes are more lightweight, to make the outdoor portion of my day bearable.  Hence, the snuggie.  I often do wear it backwards, robe-like.  Otherwise, the back of my neck gets cold.  Speaking of washing things, that snuggie could probably use a good tumble in the old Maytag.

Are your work honey bottles shaped like bears?  That might make people like children.  If not, maybe it's just that people become more like bears when they're retrieving honey.  Like, they sit on the floor, and hold the bottle with their feet, and then roll on their backs and pour it on their faces.  That would certainly make a mess.

The Effect of Personal Effects

An arthritic hip isn't nearly as bad as an arthritic vagina.  Wait, I think I'm confusing arthritis and yeast infections.  They're both itchy, right?

Yes, high pigtails are porny.  Low pigtails are much more acceptable and slightly reminiscent of the late 60s which is also kinda sexy.  I'll always look twice at a girl who has found an interesting way to pull back her hair.  I mean, before I got married I did that.  Now all women except my wife look like sexless automatons to me.  I'm sure you're still very pretty, though.

You're probably right about the punctuation inside the quotes.  It looks stupid outside the quotes.  I'm sure we'll both look it up someday and I'll stuff my punctuation back inside the quotes.

I have some gear in my office but not nearly enough to live here for an extended time.  However, I do have a large silo of oatmeal in my drawer.  In an emergency I could use it for sustenance or to build a protective wall.  I also have a heart rate monitor.  I've learned to keep as few personal effects in my office as possible.  At my old company I was moved to a new cube about twice a year.  When you have to pack that often you learn to get rid of a lot of unnecessary shit.  For my last three moves there I only needed one box.  I was way too proud of that.

I'm glad my gym provides towels.  I wouldn't want to have to deal with storing a wet towel every day.  Wet towels are better at growing organisms than Petri dishes.

I like that you have a snuggie at work.  I will forever picture you at your desk in your snuggie.  Dee has a snuggie and I steal it all the time.  However, it annoys me that it's just a bath robe worn backwards.  It's purely a creation of marketing.  Well done, snuggie inventor.

What is it about honey bottles that make people children?  Why can't anyone use a honey bottle without getting honey all over it?  Every time I grab the bottle in our break room, it's covered with honey.  It's really easy to keep honey from getting everywhere if you have any physical coordination at all.  I know for a fact no one on my floor has cerebral palsy, so that's not an excuse.  It would be the only legitimate excuse.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Old Lady in Pigtails

Well, thank you.  I do like birthdays a lot.  I've never had trouble with aging.  Or, rather, the concept of it.  It was an odd moment yesterday, though, when two days after turning 31, my doctor told me that I have a little arthritis in one of my hips.  I don't know that it's age so much as the stress that is put on them from my scoliosis stuff, but still.  Arthritic hip.  Yikes.

Yeah, "pigtails" is a weird moniker.  There have to be two of them.  And they are not necessarily curly.  What does this have to do with pigs' tails?  They should be called "collie-ears" or something.  Do collies have floppy ears?  Maybe I'm thinking of spaniels.  You know, I've struggled with the pornstar stigma of pigtails, because I really like wearing them.  I like to think that head position has something to do with it - high up on your head, they are reminiscent of school-girls, which is, I think, what makes them porny.  Down low, by the shoulders, they are just nice way of getting your hair out of your face without the bald appearance that a ponytail can sometimes give.  At least, for me. 

I felt like punctuation had to stay inside quotes.  But sometimes, it really seems to make no sense.  I should look this up.  Or take some delightful course at my office's delightful online university.  I really do like them.  They are unintentionally hilarious.

Rusty Nails is AWFUL!  Gross!  Though, I'm sure they bleach the Hell out of those towels.  Don't worry.  We have to bring our own towels to my gym.  I like that okay, I guess.  Between going to the gym, and often having to go to a rehearsal or show straight from work, I keep a startling amount of personal effects in my desk.  I think I could live quite comfortably in my office for several days if I got trapped here.  I have lots of food, shampoo/conditioner, deodorant, toothbrush/toothpaste, underwear, socks, you name it.  It's like my own little bomb shelter.  I would also have quite an impressive shoe selection.  And a snuggie.


I was anxious for you to post because I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.  I had to settle for sending you a text and posting on your Facebook page.  I bet Brian will even wish you a happy birthday in the comments.  He's good like that.  He may also be our only fan right now.  I'll take it.  Quality, not quantity.

I suppose that most hatred is based in fear.  I was about to argue that my hate for the entire Kardashian family is not rooted in fear until I realized that I'm afraid that my daughter may grow up to admire or strive to become like them in some way.  That's some seriously scary shit.  I'm confident that she's already smarter than that, though.

The pigtails/ponytails thing is just a matter of iteration?  Why don't we just call them "a ponytail" and "ponytails"?  What do you call three?  It seems like pigtails should be curled in some way.  Are they still a ponytail or pigtails if they are braided?  At what age do pigtails go from completely adorable to pornstar?

Is punctuation outside of quotes a complete no-no?  I don't feel right putting it inside.  It makes it seem like the question mark is part of the word.   It's not.  I want to say "ponytails" not "ponytails?".  There.  I did it again.

While on the treadmill, Rusty Nails blew his nose into a gym issued hand towel.  How am I supposed to use one of those towels ever again?

Last month Dee and I were in a similar technology-poor situation.  It wasn't quite as bad as yours, though.  The roof in our building was being replaced so we were without air conditioning and TV for over a week (we have Directv and the satellite is on the roof).  We still had Internet access.  I would not have been happy if we were without Internet as well.  I would have probably gone out and killed pigeons.

I was walking Ruthie this weekend when I saw an injured pigeon on the sidewalk leaning up against a building.  It was alive because it was turning its head and watching me (more likely, Ruthie) but it didn't seem to be able to move otherwise.  I didn't feel the urge to stomp it.  I kinda felt sorry for it.  Maybe my attitude on pigeons is changing.

I've never read The Grapes of Wrath.  In fact, I've read very few classic novels.  I'm now intrigued by it and it's weird ending.

A Very Amish Birthday

Whoopsie!  Sorry for the delay.  It was my birthday.  You can't get mad.

I get confused for my co-worker, Cassie a lot.  You know Cassie.  We look nothing alike.  I mean, we are both white ladies.  So that's probably confusing for the other white ladies in the office.

You do seem to hate pigeons more than I do.  My hatred is based on fear, rather than violence.  Isn't most hatred based in fear?  And then manifested in violence?

Our commenter is correct about the different hair-bundles.  I have no idea what an inverted braid is.  It sounds like a kind of DNA strand.  Or a roller coaster.

So, I've been almost technology-less for a little over a week.  It's awful.  Here's the scoop.  Chris went to NYC last week for an art teacher conference thing.  Before he did so, he went on a getting-ready-to-move-binge, since a few days after he gets back, we leave for LA, and then have only a few days until we move to the castle.  In this binge, he unhooked the TV, DVD player, and Wii.  Later that day, the internet disappeared from my laptop.  Just vanished.  It doesn't even think it has an internet card.  I could use it to watch DVDs if Chris hadn't packed them all in some un-marked mystery box.  Then he left for NYC.  To recap:

No internet
No movies
No video games
No boyfriend
Happy Birthday to Tristan

Luckily, I have a smartphone, so I wasn't entirely without e-mail over the weekend, but my goodness.  I also have air conditioning.  And a pretty bustling schedule.  So it wasn't completely miserable.

At least I read the Grapes of Wrath this week.  Ever read it?  I never had.  I loved it though - tore right through.  Not that I had anything else to do.  Weird ending.

Really weird.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Inverted Braids

Super congrats on getting castle home.  In real life I never say things like "super congrats."  Thankfully, Internet life is nothing like real life.  For example, there is no way I have 302 friends in real life.  It's more like 12.

Whoa.  You thought someone else was you?  I don't even know if my brain could handle that.  Thankfully, nothing like that has ever occurred to me.  However, people at work often confuse me and the guy I share an office with.  We don't look a lot alike, but if you don't know us we could easily be confused.  He's a bit taller than me and a little skinnier but he has the same haircut and hair color and he is also graying (though not as much as me).  He's also more intense than me, but you can't tell that by looking.  That's my awesome and hilarious story about someone who doesn't really look like me but shares some similar attributes (and an office).

Pigeons are rats with wings.  Anyone providing them with food might as well just pass out cholera instead.  There's a guy who sits outside the convenience store every evening and he feeds the pigeons bread.  He also wears a tattered wool cap with a feather stuck in it.  He's also missing the lower half of his left leg and he spends his time highlighting every word in a book.  He always says hello to me and never asks me for money so I give him a pass.  I'm still really tempted to kick the hell out of a pigeon, though.

I love that they have to call it squab to be able to serve it in a restaurant.  No one would eat anything labeled "pigeon" on a menu.  I certainly would not.  I would be more than happy to pay to see someone kill a pigeon and cook it.  We share a disdain for pigeons.  Mine seems rooted in violence, however.

Now that I have a daughter I suppose I should figure out the difference between pigtails and ponytails.  Is there a difference?  She has a lot of hair, she's going to want me to braid it and stuff.  Am I going to have to learn how to do that one braid that is inverted?  That seems really complicated.

I apologize for the lack of segue between the previous two paragraphs.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Pigeon Food

Thank you for getting me laid by following Chris on Twitter.  I certainly appreciate it.

We got word today that we are accepted for the castle apartment.  Yay!  It was a very rigorous process, with many calls put in to personal friends and and landlords and supervisors by the prospective landlord people.  This must indeed be a castle full of fine, upstanding gentlefolk.  There's no moat.  It just looks like a castle.  Plus it has lots of Tudor-y decorations on it.  I like it a lot. 

Along the lines of you being excited that Rahm Emmanuel lives in Chicago, I think incredibly stupid things all the time.  When I am visiting my family in Maine, I frequently find my self thinking, "Wow!  There's a Maine license plate on that car!  Cool!"  Then I get used to seeing them, and get all surprised when I come back and see Illinois ones.  I think my best There-May-Actually-Be-Something-Wrong-With-Me moment was walking into Goose Island one time.  There was a small group of people just heading out.  One of them looked a little like me.  "Oh look!" I thought, "There's me!"  It all happened so fast.  What the Hell?  If that person was supposed to be me, who was I?  It was most disturbing that my brain has the capacity for such idiocy.

The coyote man got his popcorn at the Davis, which is very near the coyote house.  Apparently they have a free refill deal, so he would get a refill, and bring it home for the ducks.

Speaking of fowl-feeding, I can't think of anything that makes me angrier than people who feed pigeons.  I literally don't know what to do with myself when I see that.  It makes me crazy.  This is mostly because I have an irrational fear of pigeons.  When people feed the disgusting beasts, more of them come for food.  And more.  And some more.  Stop feeding pigeons.   Then they will die.  And fewer things will smell like shit.  And their cooing won't haunt me when I walk under things.  If I were Indiana Jones, my big dramatic scene would be being trapped in an aviary.  Or underneath the Quincy Brown Line stop.  And I'd go, "Pigeons.  Why did it have to be pigeons?"

Once I got the tasting menu at Blackbird, and was served squab.  It may have been the most delicious thing I've ever eaten in my life.  So, I guess pigeons aren't all bad...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Stupid Brain

My parents were spotty on the censoring, too.  My dad loved Married With Children and we bonded over watching NYPD Blue.  My mom was more worried about what we were watching.  She once came into the room during a jeans commercial in which people were shirtless and bouncing on trampolines and she said, "I don't think we should be watching this."  I'm pretty sure the actual program was a football or basketball game.  When I was really little (about 4 or 5) I used to sneak downstairs to watch The Tonight Show.  I was pretty good at not getting caught until one day when my dad came home from work I shouted, "Heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrreeeee's JOHNNY!"  I haven't always been as clever as I am now.

Oh wait, I can follow Chris's brewery on Twitter at @arcadebrewery?  Wow.  I'm not sure why everyone isn't following him already.  Is this bit too transparent?  He's not even paying for this kind of promotion.  Well, he's kinda paying you in sex and companionship.  BUT I GET NOTHING.

The stupidest part of my brain thought, "It's really cool that Rahm Emmanuel's house is in Chicago.  Chalk up another one for the city I live in."  The smarter part of my brain then thought, "If violence wasn't completely below me I'd punch you, Stupid Brain."  Does your new place look like a castle because it has a moat or because the structure itself resembles a castle?  If it has a moat, is it stocked with some kind of deadly sea life?  I'm sorry I'm not using outline form for my questions.

It's probably a good thing that you decided to stay away from the coyote house -- especially if you ever want to have pets.  Also, where is that guy getting all of his leftover movie popcorn.  Never trust people who have vast quantities of leftover movie popcorn.

I don't make a habit of calling out solicitors, but I have done it before.  I had a dude ask me for a few bucks for a taco and I told him that I'd just buy him some tacos.  He agreed and followed me to the taco place.  I bought him a bunch of tacos but not before I had to explain to the staff at the restaurant that he was with me and that he would be paying for food.  Apparently, they didn't want this slovenly gentleman buying their 80 cent tacos.  If you don't want poor people in your restaurant, don't make your food affordable.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Coyote Druggie

It's weird - I was allowed to watch pretty much anything I wanted, but every once in a while, my parents would get in a random censoring mood, and I wouldn't be allowed to watch something.  For example, after a particularly feisty romp with the houseful of slutty daughters on Just the Ten of Us, I was no longer allowed to watch the show.  Also, I wanted to see Crocodile Dundee, so my parents went to it first to make sure it was okay for me to watch.  It was.  I used to watch Pretty Woman over and over though.
The brewery is called Arcade Brewery.  Here is the website, but it's really just the logo right now.  His beer is fantastic. 
Okay - I understand the candy bar rage a little better now.  I was assuming this guy was just your sweet and slightly gay friend. 
Chris and I are very close to getting a new place.  We're just waiting for the application to go through.  I think the people just have to call Molly to make sure I'm not an evil person.  I imagine Molly will tell them that I am, in fact, not.  Chris and I are both really excited about our place, not least because it looks like a big castle from the outside.  Also, it is directly across the street from Rahm Emmanuel's house.  This makes me feel fancy.  And safe, as there is a van in front which appears to be full of armed men.
At one of the other places Chris and I viewed, the guy showing us the apartment mentioned that he likes to feed leftover movie popcorn to the ducks.  "Oh," I said, "There are ducks nearby?"  "Yes," he replied. "The river is just past those trees.  Oh, yeah.  We have ducks, bunnies, coyotes..."  I told him I liked that it seemed as though he was using coyotes as a selling point for apartment location. 
I think I'm going to take a page from your book and start grilling solicitors on their stories.  "So, you're a Vet, huh?  Tell me about the war."   "Oh, you're blind?  That's a shame.  I'll give you $20 if you can tell me how many fingers I'm holding up."  "Oh, man.  I don't have any food with me.  Just a crapload of drugs.  Too bad you don't have any use for them."

No Soliciting, Asshole

My parents were not hippies but they were also not big movie fans.  Plus, they never let us watch anything worse than E.T.  That's not entirely true.  I saw Top Gun in theaters but that was only because it was about airplanes and my dad loved airplanes.  So I got to see a totally not gay Tom Cruise make out with a totally gay Kelly McGillis.  I never really got into pop music either.  I just listened to whatever my friends played at their house.  In fact, there was so little pop music in my house that when I needed a record album for an art project (we were to redesign the cover), the best I could do was an Up With People album.  When they displayed everyone's artwork, mine was displayed between a Ratt album and a Mötley Crüe album.  I signed my artwork with the smallest signature possible.  I may have even intentionally misspelled my name.

I did know that Chris is starting a brewery.  That sounds completely overwhelming.  What is he calling it?  Does he have a website that we can slyly plug on this site?  I should probably taste his beer first, though.  Screw that, I'm sure it's awesome.

I was enraged by the candy bar because he sent it with a note that read, "You're worth more than $100,000."  I had just been in his office working on a major project during which he was nothing but a pain in my ass.  I guess I should have returned the envelope with a hole cut in the bottom and written on it, "You were completely worthless."  Instead I just fumed about it for two years.  That makes me the bigger man, right?

Your living situation sounds a lot like my living situation just before Dee and I moved into our condo.  She lived with me and Jason for a month, then Jason moved out and it was just me and Dee for a month.  I guess your living situation wasn't just like my living situation, it was more like Dee's living situation.

Ugh.  There is absolutely zero reason to film anything with an iPad.  I just got an iPad and the camera on that thing is shitty in well-lit situations.  I can't imagine how bad it is in a poorly lit bar.  It doesn't have a zoom because it's a super shitty camera.  Why did they let her on stage?  Any nutjob who brings an iPad to a bar and hasn't come straight from work or isn't using it to run the DJ booth is an asshole.  I wish I was there with my candy bar so I could deliver a beat down.

I called out one of those candy bar kids on the train the other day.  He had a beaten up box with some candy in it and asked me if I wanted some so he "could get uniforms for his baseball team."  I asked him what position he played.  He said, "Shortstop."  I asked him how long he had been playing baseball.  He said, "Five years."  I asked him what he's supposed to do when he's hit a ground ball with runners on first and third and one out.  He said, "Throw it to first."  I said, "You're lying.  You don't play shortstop."  He asked me if I still wanted to buy a candy bar and I just laughed.  I'm pretty sure the lady next to me muttered, "Asshole" under her breath.  She was 100% correct.  I mean, everyone knows there's no soliciting on the CTA.