Thursday, October 13, 2011

You Know, That Canadian Guy

I've never seen Top Chef but I also like So You Think You Can Dance for the same reasons I like Project Runway.  Also, the girls on So You Think You Can Dance have great butts.  I love me a nice butt.

The singing shows can eat a pile of pissed-on dogshit.  I love when the judges are all, "That was like karaoke."  Every single song is, in fact, karaoke.

Dancing With the Stars is the worst show on television.  It is hell to review.  At the very least I can see why other people would be interested in the other shows I review, but not Dancing With the Stars.  There is absolutely nothing interesting or redeemable about that show.  This season is especially bad and it's not even funny bad -- except for Chaz Bono's last dance.  Sweet Christ that was hilarious.

Maybe I hate the Nazis so much because I can sympathize with the "we were just doing our jobs" types.  That's basically what I'm doing at my company.  What if all of this stuff I'm doing just helps my company destroy the world?  Or make the world less equitable?  I try not to think about it.  Screw you for making me think about it, Nazis.  They're still terrorizing us today.

It's hard for me to think that anyone draws swastikas on an elevator because they believe what the swastika now stands for. (Did you know that the swastika was once a symbol of luck?)  I feel like the only reason anyone would do it is to get a reaction.  Or maybe they just like the way it looks.

I can't think of any other shape that is taboo.  Just like I can't think of another word that is as taboo as the n-word.  People say 'cunt' way too much for that to be taboo though I feel like 'faggot' is getting close.

So you've seen Rudy?  Did you cry like a baby?  I totally did and I hadn't even been to Notre Dame yet.  I was in the stands at the stadium when they filmed the final football scenes of the film -- when Rudy makes his tackle.  They filmed it at halftime of a Notre Dame-Boston College game.  I think I was a junior in high school or something.  Strangely, I haven't seen Rudy since I graduated from Notre Dame.  I would probably be a blubbering mess through the whole film.  I cry when I go to games and they play the Alma Mater.  Sometimes I get teary-eyed when the crowd gets loud and excited about the fight song.  Something inside of me is broken.

Scarlett totally gets frustrated when she can't quite grab things the way she wants.  It's hilarious.  She'll be in her exer-saucer which is what we call this UFO looking thing that has all sorts of toys on it.  She sits in the middle and can access them all.  When she can't do whatever it is she wants to do she'll slam her feet down and flop backwards and her arms will flail.  Then she looks surprised and confused, but I think she's forgotten what she was trying to do in the first place so it works out.

The Drew podcast is going to be called something like "Jeff and Drew Review Stuff."  We're going to review things.  Video games, TV shows, my wife, anything at all.  It should be fun.  We're hilarious.

The things that make a salad good are the same things that make a salad bad.  It is disappointing when the salad is worse than you thought.

My gym plays the worst possible music for working out.  Normally, I bring my own music but I do have to hear it in the locker room when I am changing.  It's a lot of Justin Bieber and that Canadian crooner guy who sings about how he'll be in the perfect relationship with a girl he hasn't met yet and whiny wuss-rock.  Can't we get something a little more upbeat or Rock 'n' Roll?  Also, good job getting every woman on the planet to fall in love with you with that song, Canadian crooner guy.

Freak Salad

Yeah, women's clothing sizes are dumb.  They come in vague sizes like 4, 6, 8, etc.  Not even odd ones.  And they vary from store to store.  They are useless.   I am actually not shocked that you like Project Runway.  It's good.  It has people who are creative and talented.  I like shows like that.  So You Think You Can Dance and Top Chef are among these.  For some reason, I can't get behind the singing shows.  Maybe it's because they're just singing other people's songs?  They're not really bringing anything new to the world, so to speak?  I don't know.

I used to watch Dancing with the Stars because I thought it was interesting to watch people that are bad at things learn how to do them.  I haven't been paying close attention for a while, but I saw last week's where Carson is dressed up as a pirate and thought, "Why the Hell am I watching this?  This is insane."  And then I was embarrassed and vowed never to watch again.  I'll still follow your reviews, though.

I have to admit that I didn't know much about Steve Jobs until he died.  I mean, I knew who he was and stuff, but hadn't really attributed so many of his innovations to him.  In fact, the day after his death, I asked Chris why people were making such a big deal out of it.  Not that they shouldn't be sad when people die, but I just didn't get why it was getting so much attention.  And then he filled me in on how Steve Jobs changed the world and whatnot, and I was like, "Oh yeah.  That's totally sad."

I wonder what percentage of Nazis were like, "This is our mission. Ethnic cleansing is important, Hitler's awesome, yadda yadda," and how many were like "Yikes, this kinda sucks.  I don't really like torturing people and being horrible, but I don't know how to get out."  But yes, Nazis suck. 

Somebody in my office building keeps etching swastikas into the elevator walls.  They usually get converted to windows pretty quickly, and then buffed off, but it's so weird that they keep coming back.  It kind of freaks me out to think that a weird Nazi-fan works in my building.

Are there any other shapes are taboo? 

I think the football in Friday Night Lights is pretty good, but obviously you would be a much harsher judge than I.  I was just thinking the other day about how hard it must be to film that stuff without people getting hurt.  I LOVE sports movies.  They always make me cry.  Way more than dramas or romances or anything.  Nothing can squeeze a tear out of me like a good come-from-behind victory.

It's weird that babies can't do things at all.  I get talking and walking and stuff, but grabbing things?  I'm glad I don't remember being a baby.  I feel as though it must have been a very frustrating experience.

So maybe the solution to my rut is to just work on stuff that I don't really care about and then throw it away, and hope that it will spur inspiration for the things that I actually care about. 

What's the Drew podcast about?

So, my lunch totally ruined my afternoon yesterday.  Don't mistake me.  It was delicious.  It was a Greek salad from Cosi.  I'm not one of those people who think that salads are automatically fat-free because they are mostly lettuce.  HOWEVER, when I got back to the office and looked at the nutrition facts online, I was blown away that my salad had 45 GRAMS OF FAT.  Forty-five.  How is that even possible?  Here are the things that were in it:  Lettuce, Tomato, Cucumber, Onion, Feta, Olives, Vinaigrette.  Now obviously, my culprits are the last three.  But still!  What the Hell was in that dressing?  Clarified Crisco?  Orson Welles' sweat?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Project: Magic

They don't make dresses like they make bras, huh?  It seems like they'd want to make dresses with all different size waists and busts so that skinny girls with big boobs (like you) could wear the dress and skinny girls with small boobs (like Zooey) could also wear the dress.  Though, I should have known that they don't do that since the designers on Project Runway always complain if they get a model that actually has curves.  When they do that I always shout back, "You mean like REAL PEOPLE WHO WILL HAVE TO WEAR YOUR CLOTHES IF YOU ARE TO MAKE A LIVING DOING THIS?"  It may shock you that I like that show, but I do.  I like watching the creative process.  You don't often get to see the work behind the magic.

Speaking of magic, the passing of Steve Jobs made me sad.  There are two reasons for this:
1) My dad also died of pancreatic cancer.  Any time someone dies from pancreatic cancer I think of my dad.  I miss him.
2) Steve Jobs made things that seem like magic.  I didn't own an Apple product until 2006 but once I did I was hooked because I finally felt like that was how computers should work.  He relentlessly pursued innovation and succeeded.  He's a rare one.

I saw a few snippets of Pan Am because Dee was watching it in our bedroom and I had to pass through there to pee.  It seemed to revolve around JFK.  It could very well be a fantastic program but it's on Sunday night which means I'll never see it because I'll be too busy watching Sunday Night Football.

It's hard for me to be nice to the Nazis.  I mean, they killed soooo many Jews.  I know that most of them were just following orders, but at some point you'd think some one would have said, "Hey, wait just a gosh darn second," or the German equivalent of that.  Also, Nazis are the last group that you can make fun of with impunity.

The paragraph above also works if you replace "Nazis" with "Republicans."

I've never seen Friday Night Lights.  At first I assumed that it was bad.  Then everyone started raving about it and I thought, "Oh, it must be good.  I still don't think I'll watch it."  I have an aversion to sports-based programs -- especially football.  It's really hard to film football (or other sports scenes) and make them seem realistic.  Actors typically aren't very athletic and it shows.  It kinda ruins it for me.  However, I was pleasantly surprised when I once saw an actor's resumé that listed football and basketball under "Special Skills."  Yes, those are special skills that are invaluable to a sports movie if you want people to believe it at all.

Scarlett is now grabbing things.  That's a milestone, I think.  She just had her first cold this past week.  Any first is a milestone, right?  I do think that she is a smiley baby.  I don't know if she's smilier than most babies but it feels like she is.  She's a pretty happy little girl and it's not hard for us to get her to smile for photos.  We are pretty good about not posting every single photo of her, though.  I don't want people to get Scarlett fatigue.

Creative ruts suck.  They suck real bad.  I think there's something to just doing stuff even though you're not feeling it.  I feel like you're much more likely to find that spark that busts you out of the rut if you are trying to do something creative. If you're not trying to do something creative you are much more likely to stay in the rut.  That's why I do every day.  Some days it blows ass and it's like trudging through liquid shit but sometimes my brain explodes with hilarity rarely seen.  Either way, it goes a long way to convincing me that creative ruts are temporary.  That's also why I have this and the upcoming podcast that Drew and I are going to do together.

I am in a creative rut right now.  As I type these words.  I'm wallowing in it.

What is the opposite of a creative rut?  An inspiration spree?

Stupid pregnant lady and her marathon.  I've never understood why people get so worked up about running a marathon.  People have it in their heads that it's some kind of major achievement.  Do you know how many people have completed marathons?  Millions.  It does not put you in an elite group to say you have completed a marathon.  Win a marathon?  Yes, that is elite.  Run a marathon?  No, not elite. Yesterday I posted the following on Twitter:
I don't brag about all the pick-up basketball games I've lost, so I thank you for not telling me about the marathon you just ran.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Whitney Runnings

Ew.  I didn't know that Whitney made Two Broke Girls as well.  Man, that lady is just smearing her stink everywhere.  Guh. 
Thank you for thinking that I should be in The New Girl instead of Zooey.  This is correct.  It would also mean that I'd get new Anthropologie clothes.  She keeps popping up in them.  Though I tried on the orange dress that she wears in all the ads, and my boobs were too big to fit in it.  Take THAT, Zooey.
Ha ha!  I did mean Pan Am.  I like it less than I did, but I still like it.  I dunno.  I think I just like it for the same reason as I like Mad Men;  Pretty dresses and liquid eyeliner. 
Be nice to Nazis, Jeff.  Most of them were just following orders. 
My new Netflix Instant obsession is Friday Night Lights.  I assume you love it?  Or is it one of those Jeff shockers where you just sort of hate it because everybody assumes that you love it?
Is Scarlett doing anything new yet?  Milestones, I mean?  From the pics on Facebook, she looks very smiley.  Do you think she's smilier than most babies?  Or are you and Dee just better about editing out the ugly pictures and not posting every goddamn photo that you take?
I am having a creative rut right now.  I've just been super-lazy about everything.  It's awful.  Chris says that means that I have to just do stuff.  Force myself to write things, etc.  I dislike this for two reasons:
1. I don't FEEL like writing things!  I'm lazy!
2. My work is wayyy better when I want to to it.  So why make crappy stuff that I write begrudgingly?
Did you hear about that lady who ran the marathon yesterday and then had a baby last night?  What the fuck is wrong with that fucking woman?  No one should run marathons.  Let alone people that are super-pregnant.  Marathons make people die.  DIE.  And they aren't even fun.  And you have to pee your pants to get a good time.  And you have to train for them forever.  And then all you have is your little bib thing with your number, and you get to act like you did something with your life.  Which is that you ran for a long time.  Way to fucking go.  Read a book.  Eat food that isn't out of a ketchup packet.  Life can be pretty fun.
I do support running under the following circumstances:
1) You are about to miss the train.
2) A bear is chasing you.
3) A dinosaur is chasing you.
4) A murderer is chasing you.
5) You are a bear, and you are chasing someone.
6) You are a dinosaur, and you are chasing someone.
7) You are a murderer, and you are chasing someone.
8) Someone is trying to make you watch Whitney.