Friday, February 26, 2016

Anything You Condo, I Condo Better

Doughnuts are the best food that I never eat.  Have you seen these new Dunkin' Donuts doughnuts?  They hurt my mouth and tummy just to think about them.  (I don't eat DD anyway - everything tastes like chemicals.)  They are FILLED WITH BROWNIE BATTER and COOKIE DOUGH AND SHIT AND WHYYYYYYYYYY.

Tapered sweatpants are the weirdest.  Fashion is so strange.  If someone had worn those three years ago, people would have been merciless.

No sugar in the valentines?  I would call that a rule.  I'm down with reducing the availability of added sugars in schools, what with childhood obesity and all, but at Valentine's Day?  It seems okay to me.  Did Scarlett get tons of bags of Cheez-its then?  What else is there?  Pretzels?  Stickers?  Seaweed chips?  Collector's cards with yoga poses on them?

Speaking of restricting children, I'd always thought it was kind of silly when parents wouldn't let their kids play certain video games, but Chris is playing Grand Theft Auto in the other room, and it's INSANE!  He just keeps murdering people for sport and picking up hookers and doing drugs, and it all seems pretty fun and consequence-free.  I mean, the game seems fairly tongue-in-cheek about everything, but perhaps the nuances of their social statements would be lost on kids?  

I do not use Snapchat, and when you asked, I thought, "Oh good - maybe Jeff can explain to me how it works and what it's used for."  Clearly not.  My understanding is that you make yourself have weird big eyes and mouths and then the post vanishes after a day or something.  I do not understand why this is intriguing to people.  Maybe that's just because I already have big weird eyes and a terrible short-term memory, so it just seems like the entire app was made to mock me.

I have not watched Jessica Jones - maybe I will!   Krysten Ritter was in Gilmore Girls too - don't forget that.  You know, from when you watched it all the time?

Chris and I put in an offer on a condo yesterday.  Buying a home is terrifying and horrible and I hate it so much.  I bet it's fun if you have money. I do enjoy seeing strangers' homes and judging their lives.  Yesterday we saw one that literally had a "Live Laugh Love" sign on the wall and I thought, "I could never live here."

***UPDATE*** The offer was accepted, and now my life has turned upside-down, which means this draft was sitting here for several days, just waiting for me to publish it.  I feel like this is the equivalent of when you're at a to-go restaurant, and you can see the counter person holding the food that you know is yours, and then they get distracted and start talking to your co-worker, and it's infuriating because all they have to do is say your name and reach out their arm.  It would be fine if they were taking longer in the actual assembling process, but now?  NOW?   Give me the damn Southwest Salad!  

Wednesday, February 17, 2016


Oh man! You guys were the Doughnut Fairies! I want more of those doughnuts RIGHT NOW. They were SO GOOD. Their food truck sits outside my office sometimes and I'm so tempted to get one, but I haven't yet.

Also, your story was not boring but I feel like you kinda glossed over the singing, dragon loving, pizza making, Irish polar bear. That feels like the real story. It also seems like a health code violation.

When I started my last job we also had casual Fridays. A few weeks after I started we had an all-employee meeting. The head of HR got up and gave his little HR update. At the end he said this:

HR Guy: One last thing. I'm sorry to say that there will be no more jeans Fridays.
Employees: *surprisingly loud groan and noises of disapproval*
Employees: *cheers and a goddamn standing ovation*

I think it's funny that he made everyone in the company extremely happy by simply telling them they could wear different pants. No one cared about anything anyone else said for the rest of that meeting.

I don't shop at Express, so I'm not familiar with their naming conventions for their pants. However, I'd be happy to help them with their sexist naming conventions:

Sexist Men's Pants Names:
Doctor (comes in flat-front and pleated styles, can be worn with dress shoes or Crocs)
Construction Worker (cargo pants, natch)
IT Guy (reinforced in the waist to handle the weight of gadgets)

Sexist Women's Pants Names:
Doctor's Stay at Home Wife (yoga pants)
Get Whistled at by the Construction Worker (yoga pants)
Teacher (comfortable fit that will not distract those unruly boys in the class)

Of course, I'd also be happy to help them bring their pants names up to the times:

Progressive Men's Pants Names: 
Stay at Home Dad (sweatpants, but not the trendy tapered kind)
Nurse (same as Doctor)
Pregnancy (yoga pants, but they make dudes with big bellies look slim)

Progressive Women's Pants Names:
Presidential Candidate (unflattering, neutral color slacks)
Sally No-Ride-Up (comfortable fit, but look great in both 1 g and 0 g environments)
Sci-fi/Fantasy Lead (built for activities ranging from combat to receiving the Gilded Staff of Voram)

You didn't miss anything by missing the Super Bowl. It wasn't a very fun game to watch. You missed the missable.

Playing games with improvisers/comedians ruins you for playing games with civilians. However, I'm pretty lucky. My college buddies are all very funny people (I think they're funnier than me) so playing games with them is fun. They're also very smart, so they quickly find the best tricks and strategies which means you have to be on your toes -- which makes it more fun for me. I lucked out with my neighborhood friends, too. They may not be as funny as my comedian friends (nor should they be) but they have a good sense of humor so it's still plenty fun. However, they don't really like games other than poker (the guys, anyway) so I've never really tested their wit with a game like Fibbage.

Dee and I didn't really do anything for Valentine's Day. We haven't since 2008. We celebrate our wedding anniversary instead. I scheduled massages, lunch and we also did some shopping. Scarlett did bring Valentines to school. They were Star Wars themed because she's totally into Star Wars right now. I'm not aware of any rules for the content of the Valentines. We just have to be sure to not provide anything with nuts or sugar. Cheeze-Its are fine though!

Do you use Snapchat? If so, can you explain to me how it works and what it's used for? I feel very old every time I try to use it and I want to understand why it's all the rage with the kids. However, it's not intuitive AT ALL and I'm a guy who prides himself in being able to figure out this kind of stuff.

Have you watched Jessica Jones? I have seen all but the final three episodes. It's fucking intense. And fantastic. Krysten Ritter is so good. She's been great in everything I've seen her in  (Breaking Bad, The B in Apartment 23, Jessica Jones) and I don't know why she's not in everything. Also, she's incredibly sexy.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Pizza Pants

We went to Oakwood Tap with a bunch of people after our wedding venue closed, and we still had tons of the doughnuts left, so we brought them for snacks.  (We had guessed two doughnuts per guest, but those things were monsters.) Then when Chris and I walked home (as we were about 4 blocks from our apartment,) we stopped in and got a slice of pizza at Chicago's pizza.  Here is a scene from there with a couple that was eating by the counter:

August 17, 2:30 AM-ish
Girl: (Seeing my dress) Are you guys... coming from somewhere?
Tristan:  Yeah!  We got married today!
Girl: Congratulations!  Wow!  (etc.)
Guy: Are you carrying doughnuts?
Chris: Yeah, they're from Doughnut Vault - we had them instead of cake.
Guy:  That. Is. Amazing.

Then we gave them a couple of chocolate ones, and they were so happy.   

This story seemed more exciting when I started writing it.  Oh well.  It's typed now.  Um, also, there was a polar bear... and he... made the pizza.  And sang a song.  About dragons.  In Ireland.

I think I would take a pretty significant pay-cut to not have a dress code for work.  Figuring out which effing SLACKS to wear every morning always makes me pissy.  And I never even deal with anyone in person - there is no reason for me to be dressed up.  Plus, we have casual Friday.  If it's okay on Friday, shouldn't it be okay on other days?  I still get my work done on Fridays, so clearly the anarchy that ensues from me wearing comfortable pants can't be that overwhelming.

Speaking of dress pants, I was going to ask if you'd ever noticed how the pant-style names at Express are sort of gender-discriminatory (men's = Producer, women's = Columnist, etc.) when I came across this ad on their site.  It made me laugh because there is literally exactly 40% missing off of that pair of pants. 

Also, these jeans are insane.  It looks like she just stole regular pants from a husky early 1990's pre-teen.  So... me, I guess.

In other news, Express is having a sale on pants.  You should go find some casual-nice pants for work.

I WOULD LOVE A STANDING DESK!   Sometimes my hips start really bothering me, and I have to sort of invent a standing desk by stacking shoe-boxes.  A desk for standing would be much better.  And probably less of a fire hazard.  I only have two monitors, but it has completely spoiled me for standard computer usage.  It makes doing things on my laptop at home seem practically impossible.

Oh yes, we own Exploding Kittens.  It is excellent - you're right.  We just played King of Tokyo, which is excellent as well. 

How dare you bring up the Yankees?  Shame on you.

The Super Bowl party was great!  Though, I watched almost none of the game or commercials - we all were just clowning around the whole time, and nobody paid any attention to the game, except to check whose squares won money at the end of each quarter.  Then we played Fibbage, which is the funnest game ever.  It's made by the You Don't Know Jack people.  You would love it.  It's like Balderdash, but easier and super-funny.  Well, it's super-funny if you're playing with funny people, but I don't really know anyone socially who isn't funny, so it hasn't been an issue.

Does being a grown-up suburban man-person mean that you hang out with people that aren't hilarious always?  Is it awful?  Or is it great, because then you're always the cut-up of the group?

How was your Valentine's Day?  SO ROMANTIC?  Chris and I aren't really romance people, but we still took a day of rest and just sort of chilled around the house and made pizza (from scratch, obvi) and played games.  The pizza was round, and not heart-shaped, which is proof that we do not love each other as much as other people do.  Did Scarlett have to bring Valentines to school?  Are there a million restrictions regarding what they can contain/how sexually graphic they are?

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Bowl Shet

I've heard of this Drynuary (or is it Dryuary?) thing but I've never tried it. Not intentionally, anyway. I'm pretty sure I've gone a month without booze at several points in my life. I just don't drink that much. It's not that I don't like drinking it's just that I never think to do it. Now that I'm a boring dad who lives in the suburbs, I don't go out to bars so my Saturday nights are usually me going, "Hmm. What should I do? Eating this entire bag of chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels seems like a great idea!" So I do that instead. I never think to have a beer with my bag of diabetes.

Also, hangovers are the worst. Especially when you have a 4-year-old who wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning.

Click it or ticket
The picture to the right is of the doughnuts that I strapped into my child's baby seat after your wedding. You know, I do remember your wedding after all. You're husband is a nice man. Your wedding was a nice event. In fact, I liked your wedding so much that it made me want to go back and completely redo my wedding to be more like yours. So, great job, Tanner.

For most people, no dress code makes their lives much easier. Not so for me. Getting dressed in the morning is stressful. When you don't have to wear one specific thing, you can wear ANYTHING. The possibility of anything is paralyzing. For me. I still want to look nice and fashionable but I don't want to dress up so I go back and forth between jeans and hoodies and nicer jeans and sweaters. I still don't feel entirely comfortable wearing my "comfortable" clothes.

We do have Killer Queen in our cafeteria. I haven't played it in a while, though. I've been busy and recently my work buddies have wanted to play Exploding Kittens instead. You should buy this game. I think you would like it. I think you would also like One Night Ultimate Werewolf. No, I know you would like One Night Ultimate Werewolf. This has been Games Corner with Jeff Ford.

I have a cube now but soon I will be getting a different workstation. It's basically a table with wheels and it raises up to become a standing desk. So we'll be more open concept soon. However, I do have three monitors. I love it. I don't know how I ever lived without three monitors for work. It's basically paradise here.

I can never remember how to pronounce "trebuchet" because it's pronounced in such a dumb way. TREB-YOO-SHET? It's that kind of shet that makes life harder than it needs to be.

I had no rooting interest in the Super Bowl. I've never liked the Broncos and I have zero feelings about the Panthers. I guess I'm happy that Manning gets to go out with a Super Bowl win, but it doesn't really mean anything to me. Were you happy that Roger Clemens finally won a World Series with the Yankees? Plus, I've always completely understood why people would hate Peyton Manning. He's deliberately boring and a shill. He's also the wet dream of every old, racist white dude who thinks that showing any kind of joy on the field while PLAYING A GAME is evidence of the downfall of our society.

I'm also the rare Colts fan who doesn't hate Tom Brady. I appreciate that he's arguably the best QB of his era. I feel like Indiana fans should be used to this since we dealt with Jordan wrecking our hopes for the entire '90s.

Did you have a fun Super Bowl party?

Wednesday, February 3, 2016


Grover Cleveland took a four-year break from being President. So surely we can have a five-year one from blogging.

I just took a one-month break from booze.  The famous Dryuary.  Or is it Drynuary?  Either way, I thought it would be pretty hard, but it totally wasn't.  Yesterday was my first day back on the scene, and I split a bottle of wine with two other people.  So what's that?  A glass and a half?  Then the waiter brought over free shots of bourbon for us, and I had one.  Today I have a hangover.  Awesome.  Welcome back to drinking, me.

I do still live across from Rahm.  It's gotten a little more annoying, in that people like to protest outside of his (and therefore my) house now.  Few are the evenings that are not punctuated with the chant of "Hey hey!  Ho ho!  Rahm Emanuel's got to go!"  Happily, the protesters usually trickle in around 5pm and leave promptly at 7, so it's not a real inconvenience.  Not as inconvenient as being murdered by a policeman, certainly.

I'm not still dating that beer guy, because we are married now.  I have a feeling you know that, because you were there.  And then seat-belted some doughnuts into your backseat for safekeeping, if I remember correctly...  And I do still see Fritz!  Not much changes in the old neighborhood.

I'm glad you still have a child.  For a long time, I would never ask parents that I ran in to how their kids were doing, because I was worried the kids might have died, and it would be upsetting for everyone.  Happily, I've come to learn that most kids tend to stay alive.

Thank you for the helpful graphs.  I like the sound of this new job.  Tell me, what does Jeff, the fanciest man I know, wear to a workplace that has no dress code?  Also, is this the place that has Killer Queen?  I'm glad that it sounds like you still have cubicles.  Fuck those open workspace concepts where everyone just sits at Elementary School cafeteria tables or whatever and tries to get anything done.

I was going to go ahead and make up a mnemonic device for you to learn how to say "trebuchet," and then decided to confirm.  And I am either completely incorrect, or is an idiot.  I almost feel like it's the latter?  They pronounce it TREB-YOO-SHET. This makes no sense to me.  Didn't take French in high school?  I feel like it should be TRAY-BOO-SHAY.

Will you be rooting for the Broncos this weekend due to your former Peyton allegiance?  I feel like if anyone sacks him, he's just going to collapse into a pile of dust and blow away.  In the showers at the gym today, I overheard a couple ladies talking, and was very confused.

Shower Lady 1: What should I make for this Super Bowl Party I'm going to this weekend?
Shower Lady 2: Spinach dip.  
SL 1: I think I will do that, actually.  Or I could be healthy and get a veggie tray.
SL 2: Please.  It's Super Bowl Sunday.
SL 1: We're doing it on Saturday, actually, so all the families can be there.
SL 2: Oh, yeah - that's a great idea!

Is it?  Is it a GREAT IDEA?  What the Hell are they going to watch?  What makes it a Super Bowl party?  I must have been missing some information, but I was utterly baffled.  

Monday, February 1, 2016

Again We Begin Again

Do people take five year breaks from things? We sure did.

We're back now.

What other things do people take five year breaks from? Eating carbs? Being a band? Cancer?

What's new? Since we haven't talked or corresponded since nearly five years ago, I feel like that's a pretty overwhelming question. I assume that you still live across from the now-embattled Mayor Emanuel. What about Fritz the Outdoor Cat? Do you still encounter him? Are you still dating that beer guy?

I still have a kid. I did not take a five year break from being a dad. I've taken a break from changing diapers, though. You know, because she learned how to poop in the potty. (I call it a potty now, deal with it.) Also, we moved into a house with a yard and I don't have to pick up my dog's poop as much as I used to. This has been my five year poop update.
Amount of poop Jeff has handled over time

I have a new job. In fact, I've had two new jobs since we last wrote. The first new job was at the place I used to work before the place I worked at the time. Now I used to work there again. The second new job is at the place I currently work. A place I'd never worked at before. 

It's one of those cool places you read about and are all, "I'd love to work at a place like that." We build software and have a smart and charismatic CEO, no dress code, free fruit, a healthy disdain for bureaucracy, everyone gets an iPad (which I'm using to write/draw this), and a kegerator a few cubes away from my desk. Also, nearly everyone there is younger than me so I do my best to fill the cool-old-guy role versus the just-plain-old-guy role. It helps that young people are terrible at guessing ages. One co-worker found out it was my birthday and guessed I was 34. I thought she was being nice. She said it was her real guess and being nice is for suckers. Then she called me her "mentor." Did you know that you can feel young and old at the same time?

I'm completely incapable of learning how to pronounce the word "trebuchet." I've looked up the pronunciation, I've heard people say it, and I still never remember how to say it. I watched an episode of Mythbusters where they built one and they were saying it non-stop. As soon as the show was over I forgot how to pronounce it. Thankfully, it doesn't come up much. 

I know you know what a trebuchet is, but I've included a drawing of one in case our readers are unfamiliar.