Monday, March 14, 2016

Gigolos could be a type of Girl Scout cookie

We haven't closed yet - 3/31.  We keep giving people all kinds of money - it's horrible.  My view on the new place is a little blurry, because I've only been inside it once, and there were a lot of other condos that day.  I imagine gigolos (gigoli?) feel the same.  Right now my favorite thing is having a FUCKING WASHING MACHINE.  If you'd asked me as a child what my dream home would involve, I'm sure its own washing machine wouldn't even make the list, because I just thought everyone had one.  It would be like saying, "toilet."  But having lived in Chicago for 13 years has made me dream sweet dreams of doing laundry when I feel like it without scaling flights of stairs and hoarding quarters like a damn hobo, and having to talk to people and have them touch my underwear if I'm not back downstairs the instant the dryer stops tumbling.  I feel like the first couple weeks, I'll just start taking off my clothes halfway through the day, washing them, and then putting them back on again.  I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough, but for now, yeah.  Laundry.

Yes to plain doughnuts.  As I age, I find sugary/flavored things absolutely revolting.  Plain oatmeal, plain yogurt, yum yum yum! I like things in them, sure.  Fruits, nuts.  But I like to add fresh ones.  Anytime anyone other than me has control over the sweetness of something, it makes my mouth pucker.  I mostly feel like I can taste chemicals in anything flavored.   Just the slightest twinge of death.

I can't get into Twitter.  I like the idea, but I wish it just stayed at its roots of saying pithy little bon mots.  I hate clicking links to pictures and trying to figure out what people are responding to.  Just make fun of Crocs/Paul Reubens/your family and be on your merry way, thankyouverymuch.  #poundsign  

Was it the current pope that you murdered?  Because he seems pretty okay.  I hope it wasn't him.  A video game I really like is Don't Starve.  You're just kind of stranded in a world and you gather sticks and berries and stuff, and then you have to get back to your fire before dark or dogs will eat you.  Sometimes you collect bison poo.  If they're not in heat, OBVIOUSLY.  I don't know why I love it so much - it's incredibly boring.  It's the plain yogurt of video games, I guess.

Is Scarlett going to do any Girl Scouty-type stuff?  Here is my ranking of all the Girl Scout cookies from best to worst:

1. Thin Mints.  Classic.  Crispy.  Universal.  You can eat a sleeve without even noticing.  One word: CHILLED.
2. Samoas (sometimes called "Caramel Delites").  Possibly more delicious than Thin Mints, but you don't get as many, and you feel a little sick after eating two of them.  They're really good once in a while.
3. All the other ones.  They are garbage.  I used to like Tagalongs, but we got a box this year, and they are grosso.  I don't know if they've changed the recipe or if it's my sugar-tongue at it again.  There are also some lemon somethings that are just the most disgusting thing ever.  I guess there are more flavors now than when I was a Girl Scout.  What's the point?  People only want the first two.  

One time my boss tried to get me to buy some Boy Scout popcorn, and I told him I wouldn't give them any money because I disagree with their policies on homosexuality.  It was possibly the weirdest moment we've had in the 10 years I've worked for him.  I mean, he was cool about it, but, you know.  It was weird.  They've since lightened their stance, (probably because of me) but they could do better.  

Girl Scouts : Thin Mints :: Boy Scouts : those lemon things.

Man.  Remember the SAT's?  What a load of stressful hooey.  I took them once, got a 1200-something, and was like "Eh.  That's fine."

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