We are indeed public. That doesn't necessarily mean anyone is watching, though.
I can't believe that we haven't talked about the baby yet. I feel like I've talked about the baby with everyone. It's at the point where I'm worried that all I'm talking about is the baby. And now, I will take this entire post to answer questions about my baby.
Yes, I was in the delivery room. However, my view only included Dee's head, shoulders and arms. A large sheet blocked my view of anything below her armpits. Thankfully, her armpits were covered with a gown so I was witness to zero grossness. Are you confused yet? Dee had a C-section. Therefore, nothing flew out of her junk. It was less like regular childbirth and more like Alien. I only got to see my daughter after she was completely free of my wife. She was covered in all sorts of gross stuff, but I was too overwhelmed to really notice. All I saw was a pointy-headed screaming baby.
I did not smoke a cigar, but it would have been gross.
I didn't cry until two days later when the weight of a new child and of a wife battered by the whole ordeal broke me. It felt like the right thing to do.
The baby cries way more than I do now, but not by much. She gets fussy in the evening sometimes but she mostly cries when she needs something. We give her that something and then she stops crying. She's pretty good like that.
I don't feel creepy changing her diaper. I do worry about proper vagina care. I've never had to care for one before and I'm afraid I'll break it. So far, all I have to do is keep poop out of it. Easier said than done.
She's now starting to smile at things. Before her smiles were just a symptom of gas. Now, she's actually starting to react to things. She loves when I read her my reviews of Dancing With the Stars.
I get less sleep than I used to but much more than I thought I would. Since Dee is on maternity leave and she's the only one who can feed her (since she has the boobies) she is the one that usually gets up at night. Sometimes I take over when Dee's done feeding her and put her to sleep. In all, I'm feeling rested enough.
B. Do you ever forget you have a kid and then while you’re conducting a meeting or something, think, “I am a dad now”?I totally do that. I'll be all, "I'm totally going to watch the game when I get home." Then I'll immediately think, "Nope. I'm totally going to watch the baby when I get home."
i. Did I punctuate the previous question incorrectly?I have no idea. Quotes fuck with everything I don't really know how to handle them, but that's exactly how I would have written it.
I do not want to buy her little outfits all the time. Dee does. I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle against an avalanche of pink. I have this irrational fear that she'll turn out to be a terrible person if we dress her in too much pink. She'll probably turn out to be a terrible person because I have irrational fears about the colors she wears. I can't win.
My baby's butt is wrinkly, red and often smeared with poo. It is also some sort of super powered air cannon. I'm pretty sure all rocket technology is based on babies' explosive buttholes.
You totally freaked me out for a second when you mentioned your birthday. I thought I had missed it. Then I realized that I didn't. Crisis averted.
When I'm on the train I'll do the same thing. I'll think, "Why would this dirty fellow who reeks of cheese choose not to shower, wear clothes that fit, get a job and take Prozac like the rest of us?" Then I'll think, "I'm really excited for Tristan to see her boyfriend who is coming back from his camping trip today." Then I'll think, "Maybe this dirty fellow who reeks of cheese is on his way back from his camping trip to see Tristan." Then I'll say, "Hi, Chris."
Yes, it makes you a bit of an egotist. Just like all humans.
Human,
Jeff
No comments:
Post a Comment